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What is Codependency? “Do we really have the right to take care of ourselves? Do we really have the right to set boundaries? Do we really have the right to be direct and say what we need to say? You bet we do.” ― Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go: Hazelden Meditation Series I want to […]
What is Codependency?
“Do we really have the right to take care of ourselves? Do we really have the right to set boundaries? Do we really have the right to be direct and say what we need to say? You bet we do.”
― Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go: Hazelden Meditation Series
I want to talk with you today about Codependency. In researching a definition of codependency, I discovered, there are many ways it has been defined. Here are two of those definitions that stood out to me as most descriptive and accurate.
“Codependency is a psychological condition that is manifested in relationships. Codependents give a great deal more love, care, and respect (LRC) to others than they expect, request, and ultimately receive. Even though codependents are resentful and angry about the LRC inequality, they do not terminate the relationship. If they or their partner does end the relationship, codependents perpetually find themselves on the giving end of a new relationship.” As quoted by Ross Rosenberg from his book “The Human Magnet Syndrome
Mental Health America defines Codependency in the following way,
“Co-dependency is a learned behavior and sometimes it can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.”
Melody Beattie, the author of Codependent No More, defines codependency as, “a codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior”.
Codependency traits often present as difficulties in loving, accepting, trusting, and being true to Self.
Some Characteristics of Co-Dependent People Are:
According to the Author of Codependent No More, Melody Beattie; some of the ways to begin to heal are:
Treatment can include education and individual and group therapy through which co-dependents rediscover themselves and identify self-defeating behavior patterns. Treatment focuses on helping clients to get in touch with feelings that have been buried during childhood, and on exploring family dynamics. The goal is to experience a full range of feelings again, learn to set boundaries and improve assertive self-expression.
If you think you may be codependent, working with a therapist could be helpful. A mental health professional can help you to determine if your behaviors resemble codependency and can help you begin to take steps to heal. A therapist can work with you on any co-occurring mental health issues and help you explore the roots of your behavior. You can begin to learn how to balance your needs with the needs of others.
Carol Van Kampen, LMSW is an individual private practice psychotherapist who specializes in anxiety, depression, grief, and trauma treatment at Marsh Psychology Group. Carol is EMDR trained. Contact her at marshpsychologygroup.com
cvankampen@marshpsychologygroup.com
https://marshpsychologygroup.com/carol-van-kampen-lmsw/
The Invisible Trauma: Childhood Emotional Neglect: Understanding what didn’t happen in childhood, and how it is causing your unhappiness today When we think of abuse and neglect, it usually brings to mind concrete examples of intentional harm through physical, sexual, or verbal abuse. But there is another common form of mistreatment that often occurs in […]
The Invisible Trauma: Childhood Emotional Neglect: Understanding what didn’t happen in childhood, and how it is causing your unhappiness today
When we think of abuse and neglect, it usually brings to mind concrete examples of intentional harm through physical, sexual, or verbal abuse. But there is another common form of mistreatment that often occurs in childhood and goes largely unnoticed. When a child’s emotional needs are routinely overlooked, ignored, invalidated, or unaddressed, we call it emotional neglect.
“But I wasn’t Abused”
Many adults who are dealing with the effects of emotional neglect are hesitant to see there was a problem in the way they were raised, and even remember having good childhoods: their physical needs were met, no one overtly mistreated them, they had a loving family. Emotional Neglect can be difficult to recognize because it most often happens unintentionally. The parent was unable to meet the child’s emotional needs, whether it be the result of an addiction, mental illness, being focused on other things (work, divorce, illness), or simply not having the skills necessary to nurture the child’s emotional experience. In an emotionally neglectful environment, the child is shown their feelings are not important or are wrong. When this occurs, the child learns to detach from and ignore their own feelings, and this continues into adulthood if not addressed.
Here are common signs of Emotional Neglect:
1)You feel empty or disconnected from feelings, you are unable to identify and express feelings
2)You feel guilt or shame about your needs or feelings
3)You fear being dependent on others, and you reject offers of help
4)You do not seem to ‘know’ yourself: your likes and dislikes, your strengths and weaknesses
5)You are hard on yourself and give others more compassion than you give yourself
6)You are easily overwhelmed and discouraged
7)You have low self-esteem and are sensitive to rejection
8)You believe you are flawed; feel there is something inherently wrong with you that you cannot name
So What Can I Do About it Now?
Because emotional neglect is caused by caregivers who were not attuned to your emotions and did not acknowledge them adequately, you can start by doing this for yourself. Begin to check in with yourself throughout the day and identify how you are feeling, and why. Avoid judging or criticizing how you feel; work on accepting your emotions. Once you are able to identify, accept, and connect with your emotions, you can learn to support your own needs and communicate them to others.
This process takes time and can be significantly enhanced with the support of a mental health therapist who can help guide you in learning to meet your own emotional needs.
Sources:
-Webb, J., & Musello, C. (2019). Running on empty: Overcome your childhood emotional neglect
-https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-anger/202001/9-signs-childhood-emotional-neglect-and-3-ways-heal
-Laura Gross, LMSW
Laura Gross is a fully licensed social worker who specializes in teen mental health issues. Contact her at:
lgross@marshpsychologygroup.com
Marsh Psychology Group: 248-860-2024
Secondary Trauma and Front Line workers, understanding signs and symptoms.
Dealing with Secondary Trauma
Working with people who are experiencing their own trauma can be difficult day in and day out. Right now, with the pain of a pandemic, as well as an intense political climate, people are experiencing even more personal trauma than normal. If you work in industries where you are trying to support people through difficult circumstances (medical professions, educators, mental health providers, etc.), you may be experiencing secondary traumatic stress.
What is Secondary Traumatic Stress?
Secondary Traumatic Stress (STS) is “the emotional duress that results when an individual hears about the firsthand trauma experiences of another” (The National Child Traumatic Stress Network). STS can lead to burnout, physical illness, low job performance and morale, difficult concentrating and making decisions. It can also lead to a desire to leave your service-related field.
What Can You Do?
Self-care always tops the list as a way to mitigate STS. If you find it difficult to leave your work at work, try to stop at a park or trail on your way home to spend time in nature. Learning mindfulness or meditation can help you remain calm and in-the-moment throughout your day. Setting reminders on your phone to check in with yourself to focus on how you’re feeling, even if only for two minutes, and remember to take deep breaths, can help discharge stress throughout the day.
Check to see if your employer offers support groups, professional development, or mindfulness breaks throughout the day that you could participate in. If they don’t offer any of those, ask your Human Resources department to set something up. You are not alone in how you feel. There are probably many employees where you work that could benefit from those resources.
Remember to enjoy life where you can! Laughter and joy are natural healers and stress relievers. Encourage your co-workers to meet for a social distanced lunch together and talk about fun events that happened outside of work. Organize events that could bring laughter and stress relief to your work day. You are all in this together – remember to share both difficulties and joy.
Finally, reach out for help if your normal stress relieving activities and self care waver. Red flags include, difficulty sleeping, agitation and anxiety, loss of interest in engaging in usually enjoyable activities, social isolation, and increased use of substances to deal with stress. These are signs that the trauma of your work is overloading your brain. Mental health services are available to provide support and process your experiences. Our valued helpers, who give so much, are not immune to needing support and care.
Julie Lublin, MA LPC
Julie Lublin is licensed professional counselor and can be reached at jlublin@marshpsychologygroup.com.
Many people are brought up to always be kind to others. But how many of us were taught to be kind to ourselves? Self-compassion, or self-love, can often seem like a foreign concept, particularly to those raised in an abusive or unloving home. Self- compassion and self-love are not to be confused with arrogance or […]
Many people are brought up to always be kind to others. But how many of us were taught to be kind to ourselves? Self-compassion, or self-love, can often seem like a foreign concept, particularly to those raised in an abusive or unloving home.
Self- compassion and self-love are not to be confused with arrogance or conceit, which are usually indicators of a lack of self-love. Self-compassion has nothing to do with faux superiority and everything to do with being kind and gentle with oneself. It allows us to treat ourselves as we do our greatest loved ones. Instead of harshly judging ourselves for any personal shortcomings, we can instead give ourselves unconditional love and acceptance.
Why is Self-Compassion Important?
Over the last decade, research has shown a correlation between self-compassion and overall psychological well-being. Self-compassion helps us recognize the difference between making a bad choice and being a bad person. It also helps us have greater connections with others and less depression, anxiety, and fear of failure.
A lack of self-compassion can take a toll on our personal and romantic relationships. How we treat ourselves is typically an indicator of how we let others treat us. The less love and compassion we have for ourselves the more likely we end up in abusive and dysfunctional relationships. But, when we have self-compassion, we are less likely to depend on others to validate our self-worth or “complete us.”
Here are 3 ways you can begin practicing self-compassion:
1. Treat Yourself as You Would a Small Child
You would never treat a small child the way you may sometimes treat yourself. You wouldn’t call a child “stupid” for making a poor decision. And you certainly wouldn’t tell them they are unlovable and “will wind up alone forever.”
It may be hard treating yourself with such kindness in the beginning because you are not used to it. But in those moments, decide to treat yourself as you would a child and much progress will be made.
2. Practice Mindfulness
Self-criticism is a mental habit. In order to replace self-criticism with self-compassion, we must practice mindfulness.
When you find yourself caught up in that negative noise and mind chatter, stop, take a deep breath, and refocus your thoughts on something more positive about yourself. What qualities do you like about yourself? What have you done recently that you feel proud about? It can be anything, “I am always on time,” or, “I made the cashier smile.”
When you do find yourself having negative thoughts, DO NOT chastise yourself for having them. Thank those negative thoughts and tell them you no longer need them, then send them on their way to make room for positivity.
3. Give Yourself Permission to Be Human
At the end of the day, self-compassion is about being okay with our own humanity. It’s important to recognize that being human means being flawed, and that’s okay. You and the rest of the world have imperfections in common.
Give yourself permission to make mistakes and accept yourself, warts and all. You’ll be pleasantly surprised how much lighter and happier you will feel.
While it’s incredibly important to learn self-compassion, it’s not always easy cultivating new thought and behavioral patterns on your own. A therapist can give you the support, encouragement and guidance you need to help you make these positive changes in your life.
If you or a loved one has struggled with self-compassion and would like to speak with someone, please give me a call. Let’s discuss how I may best be able to help.
There was a time when the phrase passive-aggressive was rarely uttered among non-psychologists. But it’s a phrase that is mentioned often these days. The problem is, passive-aggressive behavior is almost so common, that it’s hard for people to pinpoint what that behavior looks like exactly. Do you know any passive-aggressive people? Chances are you do. […]
There was a time when the phrase passive-aggressive was rarely uttered among non-psychologists. But it’s a phrase that is mentioned often these days.
The problem is, passive-aggressive behavior is almost so common, that it’s hard for people to pinpoint what that behavior looks like exactly.
Do you know any passive-aggressive people? Chances are you do. But do you know the real behaviors to spot? If not, keep reading to find out.
Passive-aggressive people love playing the part of the victim and martyr. Therefore they’ll never just come out and say “no” to something. Instead, they’ll go along with others’ plans and needs, and then sigh, shake their head and roll their eyes because they didn’t get their own way. Do you know anyone like this?
Every other sentence out of their mouth seems to be some form of complaint. They are usually low-grade complaints as again, they try to consistently mask their real feelings. It’s always a guessing game with these people.
“That dress looks so much better on you than the last one that made your hips look big.” Suppressed resentment is their currency and it tends to come out with backhanded compliments.
Do you have a coworker who resents that they weren’t assigned to head your project? Do they show up to work late? Work at a snail’s pace? Take long breaks? When passive-aggressive people don’t get their way, they will throw their brand of a tantrum so everyone suffers.
If pushing buttons were an Olympic event, the passive-aggressive person would bring home the gold, silver AND bronze medals. Once they know what annoys you, they can’t help but push, push, push.
Have you ever had a roommate, colleague or romantic partner take a call that you had been waiting for and then “accidentally” forgot to give you the message? Whoopsie! This is to teach you a lesson: don’t ever ask me to do anything for you again.
Have you ever known someone who seemed brilliant in so many instances, and yet, in a second, they become the Absent-Minded Professor? They suddenly forgot where they placed the very important documents you need for the board meeting? Or where they put your purse (why did they even touch or move your purse??!!). Again, these are instances of someone who has deep-seated anger and resentment, but who can’t just come forth and confront you in a mature and direct manner.
Dealing with passive-aggressive people is never fun. But if you know what signs to look for, you can steer clear as much as possible!
Tips for starting college during a pandemic. Tips to maintain your physical and emotional health.
Toolbox: Going off to College in the age of Covid-19
This year, thousands of freshman will begin their college careers on campuses across the country. While some universities (Harvard, MIT, etc.) closed their campuses fall semester, many are opening their dormitory doors in the hopes that some semblance of campus life can be created, even in these challenging times.
But this year will be different. Freshmen/women will have another layer of stress to combat. In addition to the normal challenges of transitioning to university life, they have to contend with COVID-19 . Here are some tips to help prepare and succeed this year:
I wish you great success on your university adventure! Here’s to discovering amazing things in your studies and about yourself!
Be well,
Dr. Marsh
EMDR–EYE MOVEMENT DESENSITIZATION & REPROCESSING “Traumatic experiences may have happened long ago, and we may not recognize how much they affected us. The negative emotions, behaviors, beliefs, and sensations that cause chronic problems generally can be tracked back to these unprocessed memories. In that way, the past stays present. EMDR can help you make […]
“Traumatic experiences may have happened long ago, and we may not recognize how much they affected us. The negative emotions, behaviors, beliefs, and sensations that cause chronic problems generally can be tracked back to these unprocessed memories. In that way, the past stays present. EMDR can help you make sense of the trauma-based symptoms (like anxiety, panic attacks, sadness, anger/rage, phobias) and identify their cause”-Dr. Francine Shapiro, from her book “Getting Past Your Past.”
What is EMDR?
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is a well-researched psychotherapy approach that enables people to heal from emotional distress and symptoms related to trauma. Trauma based experiences affect the way a person views themselves and others. The resulting negative emotions, beliefs, or behaviors become the symptoms of a person’s suffering, not its cause. While many therapies work on minimizing symptoms, EMDR targets the cause: trauma-based memories that are “frozen” or unprocessed in the brain’s memory network. Discovered in the late 1980s by Dr. Francine Shapiro, EMDR gave new hope to combat veterans that were experiencing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), a condition regarded as difficult to treat. Her research hypothesized that when trauma-based memories were re-processed in the sufferer’s brain, the distressing symptoms decreased or disappeared altogether. Over the last 25 years, EMDR therapy has evolved into a comprehensive, highly effective therapy used in healing people that have experienced both large and small traumas.
How Does it Work
The goal of EMDR therapy is to completely “process” past traumatic events that are causing symptoms in a person’s current life. “Processing” does not mean just talking about negative memories, or identifying ways to minimize the related symptoms such as anxiety, depression or feelings of unworthiness, for example. It means setting up a learning state that allows these past experiences to be filed and stored appropriately in the brain’s memory network. This often results in increased insight regarding both previously disturbing events and long held negative thoughts about the self. During an EMDR session, the client may call to mind a visual image related to the memory, a resulting negative belief about self, and the related emotions and body sensations that occur. During this part of the therapy, the client follows right-to-left eye movement to repeatedly activate opposite sides of the brain, like what happens during REM sleep when memories are “processed”. Research has shown that the long-term effects of untreated childhood trauma get carried over into adulthood and are passed down to the next generation. Adults who grew up with physical/sexual/verbal abuse, physically or mentally ill parents, bullying, family dysfunction, domestic violence, family members with addictions, etc. most likely experienced a great deal of trauma as children. In adulthood, the trauma now presents itself through symptoms such as anxiety, depression, job performance issues, substance abuse, chronic low self-esteem, anger/rage, etc. EMDR has been used to effectively treat thousands and thousands of people who experienced forms of early childhood trauma.
What is a Session Like?
EMDR therapy is an eight-phase treatment that starts with comprehensive history-taking to get a clear understanding of the client’s memory, associated negative beliefs, desired positive beliefs, and accompanying body sensations. Once the clinician has determined which memory to target first, the client is asked to recall the worst aspect of the memory together with the accompanying negative beliefs and bodily sensations. The client will be directed to move their eyes from side to side or employ some other form of bilateral stimulation (BLS) via visual, auditory, or tactile experiences. Within the client’s brain, associations arise, and the client will begin to process the memory and the related negative feelings in a more adaptive way. The memory that was once charged with emotion becomes less distressing. In successful EMDR therapy, the meaning of painful events is transformed on an emotional level. For instance, a victim of a rape shifts from feeling horror and powerlessness to “I survived it and I am strong.” EMDR therapy leaves clients feeling empowered by the very experiences that once crippled them.
If you experience any of these trauma-based symptoms, ask your therapist if EMDR is right for you.
ANGER/RAGE EATING DISORDERS PTSD or ANXIETY DEPRESSION
FEARS/PHOBIAS INTIMACY ISSUES SEXUAL ADDICTIONS PANIC ATTACKS
SUBSTANCE ABUSE SOCIAL ISOLATION DIFFICULTY TRUSTING FEAR OF FAILURE
EXTREMEGUILT/SHAME LOW SELF-ESTEEM PERFORMANCE ANXIETY
Carol Van Kampen, LMSW
Carol Van Kampen, LMSW is an individual private practice psychotherapist who specializes in anxiety, depression, grief, and trauma treatment at Marsh Psychology Group. Carol is EMDR trained. Contact her at marshpsychologygroup.com
cvankampen@marshpsychologygroup.com
https://marshpsychologygroup.com/carol-van-kampen-lmsw/
Tips for supporting someone through a panic attack It goes without saying, having an anxiety attack is distressing for the person experiencing it. But witnessing a loved one in a state of panic can also be a very stressful event for the observer. Naturally, we want to be helpful to someone we care about when […]
Tips for supporting someone through a panic attack
When you live with an anxiety disorder, any moment can become one that creates a slow-rising panic within you. Life is normal one second and the next, you feel your chest tighten and your heart begin to race. You may begin to hyperfocus on future events and find yourself getting lost in “what-ifs.” To make […]
When you live with an anxiety disorder, any moment can become one that creates a slow-rising panic within you. Life is normal one second and the next, you feel your chest tighten and your heart begin to race. You may begin to hyperfocus on future events and find yourself getting lost in “what-ifs.”
To make matters worse, you may then begin to berate yourself for allowing the panic to get the best of you and begin to believe that all of those what-ifs are indisputable facts.
Luckily there are many powerful tools and techniques you can use to manage your anxiety effectively.
The minute you feel a panic attack coming on, the first thing to do is stop and gain control of your breath. Deep, slow breathing sends a signal to our brains that everything is safe in our environment. Controlled breathing is one of the most powerful ways to activate your body’s relaxation response. It will take your mind and body out of “fight or flight” mode and put it instantly into a calm and relaxed state.
It’s important to always remember that anxiety is “just a feeling.” And like all feelings, it can go as quickly as it came. You are having an emotional reaction to a string of thoughts. Accept your anxiety because trying to pretend it’s not happening will only make matters worse.
Let’s be clear – by accepting your anxiety, you are not resigning yourself to a life of eternal misery. You are not throwing in the towel and trying to suddenly like your anxiety. Nope. You are simply living a more mindful existence, being in the moment, and accepting whatever is in that moment with you.
One of the most frightening things about a panic attack is the feeling that you are having a heart attack. But you aren’t. Your brain can and will play tricks on you, trying to get you to believe that you are in physical danger. But the truth is, you are not in physical danger. You are having an episode based on emotions and it will pass. Remind yourself of that as many times as you need to.
When your panic attack begins, your mind begins to throw out all sorts of outlandish ideas at you, hoping some of them stick. These thoughts are intended to keep the panic attack going.
Before you take any of these thoughts as reality and truth, question them. For instance, if your mind throws things out like, “No one here likes me. I am for sure going to screw this up. I probably left the stove on. And I’ll no doubt get stuck in bad traffic on the way home and maybe even get a flat so I will then be stranded, and on and on and on…”
Questions these ideas. Are you TRULY not liked by everyone around you? Most likely not. Are you really going to screw up? Probably not. Traffic? Well, maybe but a flat tire? Chances are no.
Always question your thoughts. You will usually find the majority aren’t very realistic or probable.
Picture somewhere serene that brings you peace and calm. Maybe this is your grandparents’ old house or a lake you’ve visited before. Maybe it’s that fantastic beachfront condo from your last vacation. Just picture it in your mind’s eye and really put yourself there. See it, smell it, feel it. Feel how calm it feels to be in this space that is perfectly comforting and safe.
Use these techniques the next time you experience an anxiety attack. They should help you feel much calmer much sooner.
If you would like to explore treatment options for your anxiety, please get in touch with me. I’d would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.
SOURCES:
Most of us had a childhood filled with both subtle and overt lessons of how people and things “should” be. Our family, culture, and society expect us to fit into a certain mold and behave a certain way. Because of the type of upbringing that many people experience, it can be very difficult for people […]
Most of us had a childhood filled with both subtle and overt lessons of how people and things “should” be. Our family, culture, and society expect us to fit into a certain mold and behave a certain way. Because of the type of upbringing that many people experience, it can be very difficult for people in the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, questioning, and asexual (LGBTQA) community to come out to family and friends, and to live openly as who they are.
What Does It Mean to “Come Out”?
For LGBTQA people, to “come out” is to acknowledge and let others know about their sexual or gender identity. There is no wrong way or time to come out; how, when, or if you do so is uniquely personal to you. To not come out means you’re withholding who you are from people you know and may care about, and you may have to lie and pretend. For some people, it’s less stressful to hide than to be open. Don’t feel pressure to come out; you are the only one who can decide what is the best life for you.
Coming Out as an Adult
Coming out later in life poses some unique challenges. By adulthood, many people are already established in their career and may even be married and have children. Family, friends, and co-workers see you in a certain way, and may be shaken when they realize that you are not the person they thought they knew. Not everyone you come out to will be accepting, and some relationships may permanently change.
However, if you’re ready to come out, it means you don’t want to hide anymore and are ready to enrich your life with authenticity. This will inherently bring many benefits to you and your relationships such as reduced stress from hiding your identity, increase your self-esteem by being known and loved for who you truly are, and developing richer and more genuine relationships.
What to Say
You may want to start by writing out what you want to say so you can organize your thoughts and feelings. Some people prefer to tell their loved ones face to face, while others would rather send an email or make a phone call. Whatever way you choose, be sure to come out at a time when you’re not angry or arguing with someone. Also keep in mind that if you receive a negative or less than accepting response, this is just their initial reaction; they may need additional time to process what you’ve shared with them.
Coming out is never easy. It may be difficult and awkward at first, but it will ultimately bring you joy and free you from the burden of hiding an integral part of you who are.
If you’re looking for support and guidance on coming out as an LGBTQA adult, a licensed mental health professional can help. Give my office a call today, and let’s schedule an appointment to talk.