My WordPress Blog
If you asked any of us a year ago what would life be like in 2020, it’s doubtful anyone would have guessed we’d be going through a global pandemic, replete with lockdowns and self-quarantining. At the beginning of the year, some families might have thought of being forced to stay home from work and school […]
If you asked any of us a year ago what would life be like in 2020, it’s doubtful anyone would have guessed we’d be going through a global pandemic, replete with lockdowns and self-quarantining. At the beginning of the year, some families might have thought of being forced to stay home from work and school would be a fun little vacation. But as the weeks and months have passed, we’ve all learned this has been anything but fun.
But how is COVID affecting families? Well, it affects parents and kids and spouses a little differently.
Kids haven’t enjoyed the time off nearly as much as we all initially thought. Disruption to normal routines caused many teens and adolescents to feel anxiety. Add to this being away from their friends, and many young people are also feeling depressed.
Summer vacation for many this year wasn’t as fun as normal as travel has been next to impossible for some families in certain states. Sports teams were canceled, and boredom has set in for many kids, which has led to a lot of acting out and showing mood swings.
The pandemic has also negatively impacted those youths already suffering from a mental health issue, such as those on the autism spectrum. For many of these kids, a disruption of routine combined with cancellation of speech therapy sessions has stalled their progress and caused anxiety.
With some schools opening and some only offering online classes, life is still not back to normal and many kids are simply not able to deal with this crisis any longer.
Parents have, without question, been hit hard by the pandemic. With forced school closures, many parents have had to learn how to home school while also learn how to get used to the “new normal” of working from home.
As if that wasn’t enough, parents have also had to become mental health therapists, helping their children navigate through the fear, anxiety, and depression they are experiencing.
Quarantining and self-isolation have definitely impacted our familial and romantic relationships. When you are locked in a house with your family, things can become chaotic and, well, everyone gets on each other’s nerves. Now forced to live on top of one another, and enduring financial hardships, worrying about health, and educating and organizing the children—just going grocery shopping can add a layer of stress.
Those couples who may already have relationship issues under the surface may find the sudden and intense stress has brought these issues to the surface. This can be a turning point for many relationships: will this current crisis bring us closer or finally drive us apart?
Without question, we are all living under an intense amount of stress and it is affecting us all in different ways. If you and your family aren’t able to handle the stress any longer, it’s important that you reach out and get some help from a family counselor. Most therapists are offering telehealth services, which means you can get the benefits of therapy right over the internet.
If you’d like to explore treatment options, please reach out to me. I’d be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.
SOURCES:
Conflict-Resolution Tips for Couples During Quarantine Due to our current conditions, many of us are spending significantly more time inside of our homes, which for many of us means spending significantly more time with our partners. Statistically speaking, the more time we spend with any individual (even our beloved significant others), the greater the chances […]
Conflict-Resolution Tips for Couples During Quarantine
Due to our current conditions, many of us are spending significantly more time inside of our homes, which for many of us means spending significantly more time with our partners. Statistically speaking, the more time we spend with any individual (even our beloved significant others), the greater the chances become of some form of conflict arising.
In a fundamentally healthy relationship, increased minor conflict during this incredibly difficult time is completely normal and offers a unique opportunity for growth and even a deeper connection with one’s partner. However, as with any form of growth, there are “growing pains” and difficulties that arise during the process; these may occur in the form of more frequent arguments, resentment, more frequent annoyance, desire for distance from one’s partner, etc.
Below are some conflict-resolution tips that may assist you and/or your partner:
1. Clearly communicate your needs to your partner. Humans are not mind readers. Make sure you are communicating clearly to your partner what you are needing in the given moment. Failing to communicate one’s needs often leads to unhealthy emotional states and/or negative behavioral patterns toward one’s partner. An example of this is “snapping” at your partner when they sit next to you on the couch because you did not voice your need for a few minutes of space and “down time” after a work day.
2. Ask your partner for clarification. This feeds off of the previous tip. If you are unclear about what your partner is expressing to you, it is completely appropriate to ask for clarification in a respectful manner. For example: “I’m not sure what you mean by ‘I need some down time; please tell me what that looks like for you.’”
3. Do not expect yourself out of your partner. Your partner has their own unique biological makeup, thoughts, feelings, values, and life experiences shaping the individual they are today, as do you. Therefore, when we expect our partner to react identically to us or to share the exact same opinions as we do, we are immediately setting ourselves up for feelings of resentment. Many individuals are unaware they hold this expectation of their partner, so reflecting upon and clarifying your expectations to yourself may be helpful in minimizing this mindset if it is present. If you feel your partner is holding this expectation of you, it is again completely appropriate to communicate this concern and/or ask for clarification.
4. Take a break if negative emotions are high. While most disagreements begin as the result of negative emotions (e.g., stress, frustration, fear, etc.), it is counterproductive to attempt to resolve a disagreement if one or both partners is in an excessively negative emotional state. “Confrontation” is an extremely common fear and often produces defensiveness, feelings of physical tension, excessive crying, “freezing” or “shutting down” (due to the fight-or-flight response being activated), etc. It is therefore in the best interest to “take a break” until both partners are in as calm of an emotional state as possible to work toward a resolution. The communication techniques described in prior tips may be helpful in communicating the need for a “break” to your partner, or in appropriately receiving this need from your partner.
5. Establish work-related boundaries. Many of us are currently working from home and our professional and personal lives are therefore increasingly entangled. While there is a huge element of convenience in working from home, there is also significantly increased difficulty in creating a healthy and necessary separation of “work life” and “personal life.” Communicate your “work life” needs to your partner and work together to establish boundaries in order to minimize carrying work-related stress into your “personal life” or lengthening your work day. An example is a discussion in which a “blocked off” period of uninterrupted work time within one’s home office is established and agreed upon.
6. Establish or maintain relationships and interests separate from your partner. During the beginning stages of a relationship, couples often wish to “do everything together.” While this behavior is healthy in attachment-formation early in relationships, it becomes unhealthy if it is prolonged, especially among cohabitating partners. It is critical that each partner has friendships, family relationships, hobbies/interests, and/or regular activities separate from their partner. Examples include (safely!) having dinner with a friend while your partner covers the household responsibilities for the evening, independently participating in a special-interest class or activity, or simply independently taking a neighborhood stroll at lunch (again, safely!).
If you are finding these times particularly difficult, or if you find yourself struggling with any of the topics or techniques discussed in this article, it may be helpful to seek the services of a mental health professional.
-Sierra Shapiro, MS, LPC
Sierra Shapiro is a staff therapist at Marsh Psychology Group. You can reach her at sshapiro@marshpsychologygroup.com or 248-860-2024.
Small, but Significant, Lifestyle Changes to Help Manage Anxiety
Living with anxiety can be very difficult, but there are some steps you can take that might help. These are day-to-day changes you can make that will help you manage your anxiety.
These strategies are not a miracle cure. Breathing on a mat will not make your problems go away. But it is important to remember that you are not helpless in this fight. While something that worked for one person might not work for you, that does not mean there is nothing that will work for you — or that daily, destructive anxiety is inevitable.
Sometimes a slight change or tweak in our routine can at least make anxiety a bit more manageable. Making small changes also does not replace seeing a therapist or taking medication, if that is what you need.
1. Make Your Bed Every Morning
Making your bed is a way to start your day feeling like you have already accomplished something. Also, no matter how bad the day is, you have something nice to come home to.
2. Keeping Your Phone on Silent
Keep your phone on silent. Anxiety can come from sudden phone calls that causes you more anxiety/drama/stress.
3. Open up to Others About Your Anxiety
Being open and honest about your anxiety can reduce it. Sometimes, telling people you need to leave an area or take a break or give you space can make the difference.
4. Spending Less Time on SocialMedia/Limit Screen Time Take temporary social media breaks by uninstalling social media apps. Sometimes anxiety rises because people tend to compare their life to others highlight reel and it can do a number on your self-esteem.
Try not to reach for your phone first thing in the morning. Replace reaching for your phone with spending time with pets or appreciating the morning silence.
Take a complete day where you switch off. No phone, internet or leaving the house. Take a full day recharge,
5. Say No
Be honest and tell people no. Saying ‘maybe’ doesn’t help. We all have limits on what we can do. If you can do something, you will but it is OK to say No.
6. Use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Techniques
Here’s one technique; Try to objectively reflect on and assess your day. For example, think about what happened that day and rate how good the day was. Be able to provide ‘evidence’ from the day to back up your rating. Since anxiety can convince you that you had a bad day, make it concrete by reflecting on the specific goals you did meet and the specific things you did accomplish and the specific little surprises that were positive. Your attitude towards the day can improve. It can cut down on how often you claim I had a bad day. You will be able to tell if it was just the anxiety or a bad day. There are apps you can use to track how you rated your days so you can see patterns and you can visually see that you are actually having more good days than bad ones.
7. Start a Mindfulness Practice
Yoga and meditation! Mindfulness can be really helpful; it helps you stay in the present moment. Focusing on your breathing can help you stay grounded.
Anxiety is often so future-focused about what may or may not happen. Mindfulness and gratitude keep you in the moment and help you appreciate what you already have.
You can use a few guided meditation apps and meditate twice a day. Once in the morning, and again at night.
8. Write Down Your Schedule/To-Do List
Have a daily planner, or a chalkboard wall, sticky notes, or an app on your phone to make reminders, goals and notes of encouragement more visible.
9. Work Out
Exercise. Simple but slow workouts consistently help manage anxiety
10. Practice Acceptance Accepting this is part of who I am. It allows you to step back, guilt-free, and helps you let go of how it makes others feel, guilt-free. It may not change the level of anxiety; it only helps takes away the guilt of having it.
11. Cut Toxic People/Things Out of Your Life
Consider dropping all the toxic people in your life. Block. Delete. Unfollow the news and political pages on social media. Without all the toxicity, you will have more time to focus on loving and caring for those who care about you and your well-being.
12. Establish a Bedtime Routine
Established a bedtime routine. This could include, using special lavender soap, taking a bath, reading something inspirational, breathwork, repeating a mantra of positive self-talk journaling. In addition, preparing for the next day by getting items ready, or making a to do list can help you relax and worry less about tomorrow.
13. Journal
Keep a journal to track what was happening when you began to feel yourself getting overwhelmed. Include a list in your journal of grounding techniques, or other self-care ideas.
14. Cut Out Caffeine
Cut out caffeine and drink more water. Not only does it help with anxiety, but it helps to be hydrated.
15. Give Yourself Time in the Morning to Prepare for the Day
Wake up an hour earlier to get some alone and free time in your home before everyone else wakes up.
16. Practice Gratitude
Listing three things you are thankful for every day. Or, when you think of something negative you must stop and think of something you are grateful for. For example, if you had car trouble during the day, you refocus on the help you received from the mechanic to get your car repaired.
-Carol Van Kampen, LMSW
Carol Van Kampen, LMSW is an individual private practice psychotherapist who specializes in anxiety, depression, grief, and trauma treatment at Marsh Psychology Group. Contact her at marshpsychologygroup.com
cvankampen@marshpsychologygroup.com
https://marshpsychologygroup.com/carol-van-kampen-lmsw/
The Biology of Fear: Fight, Flight, and Beyond When we sense danger, our bodies are wired to respond. Involuntary signals from our nervous system and brain cause an increase in stress hormones that help prepare us to protect ourselves from the threat. We might notice physical signs including a faster heart-rate, rapid breath, sweating, shaking, […]
The Biology of Fear: Fight, Flight, and Beyond
When we sense danger, our bodies are wired to respond. Involuntary signals from our nervous system and brain cause an increase in stress hormones that help prepare us to protect ourselves from the threat. We might notice physical signs including a faster heart-rate, rapid breath, sweating, shaking, or nausea. These are all signs our body is getting ready to respond to the threat in what is typically called the ‘fight or flight’ response, but we have more than those two options.
Observe how squirrels behave when they are crossing a road and a car approaches, and you will see a good example of this response in action. Typically, the animal will stop in its tracks and stay completely still (freeze) until it realizes the better defense is to move out of the way (flight). While this process has a very important purpose when we are actually in physical danger, sometimes the response gets triggered when our brains become conditioned to believe we are unsafe in situations that are not dangerous. This becomes more pronounced if we have an anxiety disorder or history of trauma. For example, if our childhood experiences taught us to avoid an angry parent by staying quiet and agreeable, we might have a fight or flight response at the first sign of conflict as adults.
Identifying Flight or Fight Responses
Fight or flight is more subtle in everyday life, and usually results in a pattern of behavior. Here are how common responses might look like in your life:
Fight: Starting arguments, yelling, lashing out toward others when feeling defensive or ‘attacked’
Flight: Running away or wanting to escape before a conflict can occur, needing to leave the setting during an argument or conflict
Freeze: Shutting down, difficulty speaking, feeling disconnected from surroundings
Fawn: People pleasing, avoiding conflict by going along with things, being ‘good’ and not challenging others
While the biological process that leads to these responses is involuntary, we can learn to change our behavior patterns. This starts with becoming aware of our responses and what triggers us to react in a certain way. Once we have this awareness we can start responding differently. This takes time and is best supported by the help of a licensed mental health professional.
-Laura Gross, LMSW
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/202008/understanding-fight-flight-freeze-and-the-fawn-response
Laura Gross is a fully licensed social worker. Contact her at:
lgross@marshpsychologygroup.com
Marsh Psychology Group: 248-860-2024
The Importance of Self-Care Self-care is a critical part of our lives, and developing and maintaining a consistent self-care regimen is one of the most important components of psychological well-being. However, we oftentimes have difficulty with the process of developing a a consistent self-care routine and incorporating it into our day-to-day lives. Everyday Responsibilities […]
The Importance of Self-Care
Self-care is a critical part of our lives, and developing and maintaining a consistent self-care regimen is one of the most important components of psychological well-being. However, we oftentimes have difficulty with the process of developing a a consistent self-care routine and incorporating it into our day-to-day lives.
Everyday Responsibilities and the Pandemic
In normal times, we have multiple responsibilities, such as career obligations, school obligations, family obligations, relationship obligations that vie for our energy. But what is the impact of meeting these expectations while managing the chronic uncertainty of a global pandemic. What is the impact of this combination? That book you were so excited to read lies untouched on your nightstand. Your new body lotion remains unopened in the Target bag. Your stomach is upset due to poor meal choices because you just “don’t have time” to prepare or purchase a balanced meal. You haven’t reached out to your support system because “everyone is busy” and you don’t want to be a burden, or (even worse) make plans you will end up cancelling because you are mentally drained.
With this in mind, I invite you to think of it this way: we wouldn’t go without food for three months because we have work deadlines; we wouldn’t go without sleep for a month because we are helping a friend experiencing a difficult time; so, why do we so thoughtlessly go without self-care?
Self Care
Self-care is vital. It is invigorating. It is rejuvenating. It does not have to be expensive or complicated, and it does not have to be perfect the first time. Self-care is a journey like all other areas of our lives, and you might not fully enjoy your first attempts at regularly implementing self-care practices into your life. Here are some expamples of self-care.
Painting
Guided meditation
Dancing to a favorite song
Taking a walk
Yoga
Prayer
Reading
Watching a favorite movie/TV show
Coloring in an adult coloring book
Knitting
Cooking/Baking
If you are having trouble, remember to keep it simple. Think of the five senses. What is visually appealing to you (colors, artwork, nature, architecture, the birds frequenting the feeder in your backyard, etc.)? What sounds do you enjoy? What are some of your favorite foods? What are your favorite scents? What hands-on activities can you engage in to satisfy your sense of touch (cooking, gardening, playing with your pet for five minutes before grabbing your phone in the morning, etc.)?
I invite you to begin with 10 minutes per day. Remind yourself that self-care is a vital area of your life and not an occasional treat.
If you are unable to motivate yourself, or find the usual things you do to take care of yourself are not helping, meeting with a mental health professional may be your next step. A therapist can help you develop a self care routine, provide support, and increase your coping skills.
Sierra Shapiro, MS, LPC is a psychotherapist at Marsh Psychology Group. She can be reached at sshapiro@marshpsychologygroup.com or 248-860-2024
Tips for Managing Times of Uncertainty
These are uncertain and highly anxiety-provoking times with an unclear end point. If you find yourself experiencing new and/or worsening feelings of anxiety, here are some strategies to assist you in minimizing these feelings during the COVID-19 pandemic or other circumstances yielding uncertainty:
1. Identify your feelings and validate them. Tell yourself it is okay to feel exactly how you are feeling. You may be feeling scared, angry, confused, frustrated, overwhelmed, etc. Identifying your feelings can assist you in developing greater control over them and therefore allowing you to release them in positive ways. Many find it helpful to write down their feelings in a journal.
2. Limit the amount of news you consume. Stick to one or two reputable news sources and set a time limit on how long you watch, listen to, or read the sources you have chosen (e.g., 20 minutes per day). Make an effort not to consume news in the evening, if possible. Information overload (even when the information is helpful) can greatly overstimulate our brains, therefore worsening feelings of anxiety or tension.
3. Establish a routine. Even though this routine will most likely differ from your pre-pandemic routine and may involve limited time outside of your home, creating a routine and sticking to it is crucial for minimizing feelings of anxiety or tension. Our brains crave repetition and predictability to counter the surges of adrenaline we experience when feeling anxious or overwhelmed. Make sure your routine is realistic and keep it as short as possible in order to set yourself up for success. Write your routine down and review it at the end of the day until it is fully established. If certain steps in your routine are unrealistic or not possible due to the current conditions, simply alter these steps. Remember to be patient with yourself during this process.
4. Maintain social connections. Humans are social creatures, and even the most introverted among us need social interaction. This is especially difficult during these times and we must therefore get a bit creative. Schedule regular video chat sessions with family and friends if face-to-face contact is not possible or not advised.
5. Contribute. Humans are innately wired with a desire to contribute. Think of the term in a literal sense: each day we intrinsically contribute knowledge, skills, services, ideas, emotions, behaviors, etc., through our day-to-day interactions, our careers, academic settings (if applicable), relationships, and through our sources of entertainment. Many people are unknowingly neglecting this need (even while satisfying all others) and wondering why they still “aren’t feeling quite right.” This is completely understandable, as the “need to contribute” is a particularly difficult one to clarify. Below are some examples of how to satisfy this during these times of uncertainty:
● Call an elderly neighbor and offer to pick up groceries for them.
● Consider participating in an online class or an online special-interest group to both gain and share knowledge and/or a newly-acquired skill.
● Contact a local animal shelter or one of your favorite charities/community organizations and ask about current options in which you can safely volunteer.
6. Move your body. Make physical activity part of your daily routine, even if it is 10 minutes per day of walking and/or stretching. Do what feels comfortable to you to ensure that you are not overworking your body and that you are enjoying the form of movement you have chosen.
7. Practice regular self-care. Self-care is a crucial part of our existence and it is a necessary element of our psychological well-being. Take time to listen to some of your favorite songs, read a good book, spend time in nature (if possible), or incorporate some deep-breathing exercises/guided meditation into your daily routine. Do what feels comfortable and positive to you.
If you choose to implement these tips into your day-to-day life, remember to be patient with yourself. Changing our current routines and thought patterns is a long and often difficult process. If you are finding these times particularly overwhelming, it may be helpful to seek the services of a licensed mental health professional to assist you in managing uncomfortable emotions during these difficult times.
-Sierra Shapiro, MA, LPC
Sierra Shapiro is a psychotherapist at Marsh Psychology Group. She can be reached at 248-860-2024 or sshapiro@marshpsychologygroup.com.
Adult Attachment Styles Attachment Theory was first studied in the context of understanding the relationship between an infant and caregiver, and how attachment influences the infant’s chances of survival (Bowlby, 1958). Ideally, the caregiver’s behavior toward the child creates a sense of security. If not, the child can become overly anxious about separation or avoid […]
Adult Attachment Styles
Attachment Theory was first studied in the context of understanding the relationship between an infant and caregiver, and how attachment influences the infant’s chances of survival (Bowlby, 1958). Ideally, the caregiver’s behavior toward the child creates a sense of security. If not, the child can become overly anxious about separation or avoid emotional closeness with the caregiver. But a person’s attachment style affects relationships throughout their life. Here are the different styles of attachment and how they present in adulthood, especially in intimate partner relationships.
Secure Attachment
If your attachment is secure, being close and loving to others come easily. You can openly share your feelings in relationships and know how to respond well to the emotions of others. You welcome intimacy and do not become preoccupied or worry too much about relationships.
Anxious Attachment
If your attachment style is anxious, you also find it easy to be close and experience intimacy. However, you tend to be preoccupied with relationships. You worry about your partner’s feelings toward you and expect to be rejected. You are overly sensitive to your partner’s emotions and moods and take these things personally.
Avoidant Attachment
If you have an avoidant attachment style you have difficulty engaging in intimacy and being close with others. Your partner feels you are emotionally distant, and you worry about the relationship being a threat to your autonomy or independence. You are not sensitive to rejection and often find it easy to deal with ending relationships.
Because our attachment style begins to develop in early infancy, it might seem there is little we can do about it as adults. But attachment can evolve and be affected by experiences we have in relationships throughout our lives. Becoming more aware of how it affects our behavior can help to improve and inform our relationships.
If you notice some of the characteristics of avoidant or anxious attachment in yourself, it can be helpful to work with a therapist on understanding how it affects your relationships and what you can do about it.
-Laura Gross, LMSW
Bowlby, J. (1958). The nature of the child’s tie to his mother. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 39, 350-371
Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2011). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find–and keep–love. New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher/Penguin.
Laura Gross is a fully licensed social worker. Contact her at:
lgross@marshpsychologygroup.com
Marsh Psychology Group: 248-860-2024
REPRESSED ANGER Anger is a natural emotion that comes up in response to believing that you’ve been treated unfairly or sometimes that comes up to mask fear or hurt. However, anger itself tends to be viewed with fear and we are often taught not to express anger or how to do it appropriately. Because of […]
REPRESSED ANGER
Anger is a natural emotion that comes up in response to believing that you’ve been treated unfairly or sometimes that comes up to mask fear or hurt. However, anger itself tends to be viewed with fear and we are often taught not to express anger or how to do it appropriately. Because of this, when we feel anger, many times we push it down or explain it away. When we repress, or don’t express our feelings, eventually they can eat away at us.
EFFECTS OF REPRESSED ANGER
When we repress our anger, it can cause us to feel depression, to overeat, to react to small things with intense anger, or to feel anxiety. Repressed anger can also lead to fatigue, pain, digestive issues, or difficulty sleeping. While it might feel scary to truly feel our anger, the consequences of continuing to push it down can be detrimental to our lives. So how can we express our anger in a healthy way?
WORKING THROUGH REPRESSED ANGER
Step 1:
When you have a chance to be alone, start to really feel the emotions in your body. Do you feel a tightness in your chest or throat? Do you feel it in your gut? Once you start to feel the anger in your body, you can name it or you can say the person’s name who you are feeling anger toward, even swearing while you talk about them.
Step 2:
Once you’ve tapped into your anger, let it out. Scream. Scream into a pillow or alone in your car if you need to quiet the sounds. You can scream about the person you are angry at and say all of the things you wish you could say to their face. Screaming allows us to use our voice about the event that caused the pain and anger.
Step 3:
In order to help continue to move the anger through your system, punch a pillow, use a pillow to hit the bed, hit the bed with a tennis racket, or any number of ways to get it out of your body safely. This will help continue your release of anger.
Step 4:
At the end of the release of anger, when you feel ready to be calmer, lie down and allow yourself to feel what is underneath the anger. Anger is generally a secondary emotion that comes into play when the fear, hurt, grief, or sadness feels too much and we want to cover it up. Feel whatever comes up, and when you’re ready and you feel you’ve expressed enough anger and other emotion to move past the event, allow yourself to forgive the other person involved.
MOVING FORWARD
Forgiveness allows you to move on from the situation without it having a hold on your life anymore. You may also feel the need to forgive yourself, for either your part in the situation or for holding onto this event for so long. Allow the forgiveness to be a marking point in your life of forward movement, when you are ready to live life on your terms and not on the terms of old emotion holding you back.
Remember, if this work feels overwhelming to you or need support moving through this, seek the guidance of a licensed mental health professional.
Julie Lublin, MA , LPC, is a therapist at Marsh Psychology Group. You can reach her at jlublin@marshpsychologygroup.com
What is Codependency? “Do we really have the right to take care of ourselves? Do we really have the right to set boundaries? Do we really have the right to be direct and say what we need to say? You bet we do.” ― Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go: Hazelden Meditation Series I want to […]
What is Codependency?
“Do we really have the right to take care of ourselves? Do we really have the right to set boundaries? Do we really have the right to be direct and say what we need to say? You bet we do.”
― Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go: Hazelden Meditation Series
I want to talk with you today about Codependency. In researching a definition of codependency, I discovered, there are many ways it has been defined. Here are two of those definitions that stood out to me as most descriptive and accurate.
“Codependency is a psychological condition that is manifested in relationships. Codependents give a great deal more love, care, and respect (LRC) to others than they expect, request, and ultimately receive. Even though codependents are resentful and angry about the LRC inequality, they do not terminate the relationship. If they or their partner does end the relationship, codependents perpetually find themselves on the giving end of a new relationship.” As quoted by Ross Rosenberg from his book “The Human Magnet Syndrome
Mental Health America defines Codependency in the following way,
“Co-dependency is a learned behavior and sometimes it can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.”
Melody Beattie, the author of Codependent No More, defines codependency as, “a codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior”.
Codependency traits often present as difficulties in loving, accepting, trusting, and being true to Self.
Some Characteristics of Co-Dependent People Are:
According to the Author of Codependent No More, Melody Beattie; some of the ways to begin to heal are:
Treatment can include education and individual and group therapy through which co-dependents rediscover themselves and identify self-defeating behavior patterns. Treatment focuses on helping clients to get in touch with feelings that have been buried during childhood, and on exploring family dynamics. The goal is to experience a full range of feelings again, learn to set boundaries and improve assertive self-expression.
If you think you may be codependent, working with a therapist could be helpful. A mental health professional can help you to determine if your behaviors resemble codependency and can help you begin to take steps to heal. A therapist can work with you on any co-occurring mental health issues and help you explore the roots of your behavior. You can begin to learn how to balance your needs with the needs of others.
Carol Van Kampen, LMSW is an individual private practice psychotherapist who specializes in anxiety, depression, grief, and trauma treatment at Marsh Psychology Group. Carol is EMDR trained. Contact her at marshpsychologygroup.com
cvankampen@marshpsychologygroup.com
https://marshpsychologygroup.com/carol-van-kampen-lmsw/
The Invisible Trauma: Childhood Emotional Neglect: Understanding what didn’t happen in childhood, and how it is causing your unhappiness today When we think of abuse and neglect, it usually brings to mind concrete examples of intentional harm through physical, sexual, or verbal abuse. But there is another common form of mistreatment that often occurs in […]
The Invisible Trauma: Childhood Emotional Neglect: Understanding what didn’t happen in childhood, and how it is causing your unhappiness today
When we think of abuse and neglect, it usually brings to mind concrete examples of intentional harm through physical, sexual, or verbal abuse. But there is another common form of mistreatment that often occurs in childhood and goes largely unnoticed. When a child’s emotional needs are routinely overlooked, ignored, invalidated, or unaddressed, we call it emotional neglect.
“But I wasn’t Abused”
Many adults who are dealing with the effects of emotional neglect are hesitant to see there was a problem in the way they were raised, and even remember having good childhoods: their physical needs were met, no one overtly mistreated them, they had a loving family. Emotional Neglect can be difficult to recognize because it most often happens unintentionally. The parent was unable to meet the child’s emotional needs, whether it be the result of an addiction, mental illness, being focused on other things (work, divorce, illness), or simply not having the skills necessary to nurture the child’s emotional experience. In an emotionally neglectful environment, the child is shown their feelings are not important or are wrong. When this occurs, the child learns to detach from and ignore their own feelings, and this continues into adulthood if not addressed.
Here are common signs of Emotional Neglect:
1)You feel empty or disconnected from feelings, you are unable to identify and express feelings
2)You feel guilt or shame about your needs or feelings
3)You fear being dependent on others, and you reject offers of help
4)You do not seem to ‘know’ yourself: your likes and dislikes, your strengths and weaknesses
5)You are hard on yourself and give others more compassion than you give yourself
6)You are easily overwhelmed and discouraged
7)You have low self-esteem and are sensitive to rejection
8)You believe you are flawed; feel there is something inherently wrong with you that you cannot name
So What Can I Do About it Now?
Because emotional neglect is caused by caregivers who were not attuned to your emotions and did not acknowledge them adequately, you can start by doing this for yourself. Begin to check in with yourself throughout the day and identify how you are feeling, and why. Avoid judging or criticizing how you feel; work on accepting your emotions. Once you are able to identify, accept, and connect with your emotions, you can learn to support your own needs and communicate them to others.
This process takes time and can be significantly enhanced with the support of a mental health therapist who can help guide you in learning to meet your own emotional needs.
Sources:
-Webb, J., & Musello, C. (2019). Running on empty: Overcome your childhood emotional neglect
-https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-anger/202001/9-signs-childhood-emotional-neglect-and-3-ways-heal
-Laura Gross, LMSW
Laura Gross is a fully licensed social worker who specializes in teen mental health issues. Contact her at:
lgross@marshpsychologygroup.com
Marsh Psychology Group: 248-860-2024