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The Importance of Self-Care Self-care is a critical part of our lives, and developing and maintaining a consistent self-care regimen is one of the most important components of psychological well-being. However, we oftentimes have difficulty with the process of developing a a consistent self-care routine and incorporating it into our day-to-day lives. Everyday Responsibilities […]
The Importance of Self-Care
Self-care is a critical part of our lives, and developing and maintaining a consistent self-care regimen is one of the most important components of psychological well-being. However, we oftentimes have difficulty with the process of developing a a consistent self-care routine and incorporating it into our day-to-day lives.
Everyday Responsibilities and the Pandemic
In normal times, we have multiple responsibilities, such as career obligations, school obligations, family obligations, relationship obligations that vie for our energy. But what is the impact of meeting these expectations while managing the chronic uncertainty of a global pandemic. What is the impact of this combination? That book you were so excited to read lies untouched on your nightstand. Your new body lotion remains unopened in the Target bag. Your stomach is upset due to poor meal choices because you just “don’t have time” to prepare or purchase a balanced meal. You haven’t reached out to your support system because “everyone is busy” and you don’t want to be a burden, or (even worse) make plans you will end up cancelling because you are mentally drained.
With this in mind, I invite you to think of it this way: we wouldn’t go without food for three months because we have work deadlines; we wouldn’t go without sleep for a month because we are helping a friend experiencing a difficult time; so, why do we so thoughtlessly go without self-care?
Self Care
Self-care is vital. It is invigorating. It is rejuvenating. It does not have to be expensive or complicated, and it does not have to be perfect the first time. Self-care is a journey like all other areas of our lives, and you might not fully enjoy your first attempts at regularly implementing self-care practices into your life. Here are some expamples of self-care.
Painting
Guided meditation
Dancing to a favorite song
Taking a walk
Yoga
Prayer
Reading
Watching a favorite movie/TV show
Coloring in an adult coloring book
Knitting
Cooking/Baking
If you are having trouble, remember to keep it simple. Think of the five senses. What is visually appealing to you (colors, artwork, nature, architecture, the birds frequenting the feeder in your backyard, etc.)? What sounds do you enjoy? What are some of your favorite foods? What are your favorite scents? What hands-on activities can you engage in to satisfy your sense of touch (cooking, gardening, playing with your pet for five minutes before grabbing your phone in the morning, etc.)?
I invite you to begin with 10 minutes per day. Remind yourself that self-care is a vital area of your life and not an occasional treat.
If you are unable to motivate yourself, or find the usual things you do to take care of yourself are not helping, meeting with a mental health professional may be your next step. A therapist can help you develop a self care routine, provide support, and increase your coping skills.
Sierra Shapiro, MS, LPC is a psychotherapist at Marsh Psychology Group. She can be reached at sshapiro@marshpsychologygroup.com or 248-860-2024
Tips for Managing Times of Uncertainty
These are uncertain and highly anxiety-provoking times with an unclear end point. If you find yourself experiencing new and/or worsening feelings of anxiety, here are some strategies to assist you in minimizing these feelings during the COVID-19 pandemic or other circumstances yielding uncertainty:
1. Identify your feelings and validate them. Tell yourself it is okay to feel exactly how you are feeling. You may be feeling scared, angry, confused, frustrated, overwhelmed, etc. Identifying your feelings can assist you in developing greater control over them and therefore allowing you to release them in positive ways. Many find it helpful to write down their feelings in a journal.
2. Limit the amount of news you consume. Stick to one or two reputable news sources and set a time limit on how long you watch, listen to, or read the sources you have chosen (e.g., 20 minutes per day). Make an effort not to consume news in the evening, if possible. Information overload (even when the information is helpful) can greatly overstimulate our brains, therefore worsening feelings of anxiety or tension.
3. Establish a routine. Even though this routine will most likely differ from your pre-pandemic routine and may involve limited time outside of your home, creating a routine and sticking to it is crucial for minimizing feelings of anxiety or tension. Our brains crave repetition and predictability to counter the surges of adrenaline we experience when feeling anxious or overwhelmed. Make sure your routine is realistic and keep it as short as possible in order to set yourself up for success. Write your routine down and review it at the end of the day until it is fully established. If certain steps in your routine are unrealistic or not possible due to the current conditions, simply alter these steps. Remember to be patient with yourself during this process.
4. Maintain social connections. Humans are social creatures, and even the most introverted among us need social interaction. This is especially difficult during these times and we must therefore get a bit creative. Schedule regular video chat sessions with family and friends if face-to-face contact is not possible or not advised.
5. Contribute. Humans are innately wired with a desire to contribute. Think of the term in a literal sense: each day we intrinsically contribute knowledge, skills, services, ideas, emotions, behaviors, etc., through our day-to-day interactions, our careers, academic settings (if applicable), relationships, and through our sources of entertainment. Many people are unknowingly neglecting this need (even while satisfying all others) and wondering why they still “aren’t feeling quite right.” This is completely understandable, as the “need to contribute” is a particularly difficult one to clarify. Below are some examples of how to satisfy this during these times of uncertainty:
● Call an elderly neighbor and offer to pick up groceries for them.
● Consider participating in an online class or an online special-interest group to both gain and share knowledge and/or a newly-acquired skill.
● Contact a local animal shelter or one of your favorite charities/community organizations and ask about current options in which you can safely volunteer.
6. Move your body. Make physical activity part of your daily routine, even if it is 10 minutes per day of walking and/or stretching. Do what feels comfortable to you to ensure that you are not overworking your body and that you are enjoying the form of movement you have chosen.
7. Practice regular self-care. Self-care is a crucial part of our existence and it is a necessary element of our psychological well-being. Take time to listen to some of your favorite songs, read a good book, spend time in nature (if possible), or incorporate some deep-breathing exercises/guided meditation into your daily routine. Do what feels comfortable and positive to you.
If you choose to implement these tips into your day-to-day life, remember to be patient with yourself. Changing our current routines and thought patterns is a long and often difficult process. If you are finding these times particularly overwhelming, it may be helpful to seek the services of a licensed mental health professional to assist you in managing uncomfortable emotions during these difficult times.
-Sierra Shapiro, MA, LPC
Sierra Shapiro is a psychotherapist at Marsh Psychology Group. She can be reached at 248-860-2024 or sshapiro@marshpsychologygroup.com.
Adult Attachment Styles Attachment Theory was first studied in the context of understanding the relationship between an infant and caregiver, and how attachment influences the infant’s chances of survival (Bowlby, 1958). Ideally, the caregiver’s behavior toward the child creates a sense of security. If not, the child can become overly anxious about separation or avoid […]
Adult Attachment Styles
Attachment Theory was first studied in the context of understanding the relationship between an infant and caregiver, and how attachment influences the infant’s chances of survival (Bowlby, 1958). Ideally, the caregiver’s behavior toward the child creates a sense of security. If not, the child can become overly anxious about separation or avoid emotional closeness with the caregiver. But a person’s attachment style affects relationships throughout their life. Here are the different styles of attachment and how they present in adulthood, especially in intimate partner relationships.
Secure Attachment
If your attachment is secure, being close and loving to others come easily. You can openly share your feelings in relationships and know how to respond well to the emotions of others. You welcome intimacy and do not become preoccupied or worry too much about relationships.
Anxious Attachment
If your attachment style is anxious, you also find it easy to be close and experience intimacy. However, you tend to be preoccupied with relationships. You worry about your partner’s feelings toward you and expect to be rejected. You are overly sensitive to your partner’s emotions and moods and take these things personally.
Avoidant Attachment
If you have an avoidant attachment style you have difficulty engaging in intimacy and being close with others. Your partner feels you are emotionally distant, and you worry about the relationship being a threat to your autonomy or independence. You are not sensitive to rejection and often find it easy to deal with ending relationships.
Because our attachment style begins to develop in early infancy, it might seem there is little we can do about it as adults. But attachment can evolve and be affected by experiences we have in relationships throughout our lives. Becoming more aware of how it affects our behavior can help to improve and inform our relationships.
If you notice some of the characteristics of avoidant or anxious attachment in yourself, it can be helpful to work with a therapist on understanding how it affects your relationships and what you can do about it.
-Laura Gross, LMSW
Bowlby, J. (1958). The nature of the child’s tie to his mother. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 39, 350-371
Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2011). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find–and keep–love. New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher/Penguin.
Laura Gross is a fully licensed social worker. Contact her at:
lgross@marshpsychologygroup.com
Marsh Psychology Group: 248-860-2024
REPRESSED ANGER Anger is a natural emotion that comes up in response to believing that you’ve been treated unfairly or sometimes that comes up to mask fear or hurt. However, anger itself tends to be viewed with fear and we are often taught not to express anger or how to do it appropriately. Because of […]
REPRESSED ANGER
Anger is a natural emotion that comes up in response to believing that you’ve been treated unfairly or sometimes that comes up to mask fear or hurt. However, anger itself tends to be viewed with fear and we are often taught not to express anger or how to do it appropriately. Because of this, when we feel anger, many times we push it down or explain it away. When we repress, or don’t express our feelings, eventually they can eat away at us.
EFFECTS OF REPRESSED ANGER
When we repress our anger, it can cause us to feel depression, to overeat, to react to small things with intense anger, or to feel anxiety. Repressed anger can also lead to fatigue, pain, digestive issues, or difficulty sleeping. While it might feel scary to truly feel our anger, the consequences of continuing to push it down can be detrimental to our lives. So how can we express our anger in a healthy way?
WORKING THROUGH REPRESSED ANGER
Step 1:
When you have a chance to be alone, start to really feel the emotions in your body. Do you feel a tightness in your chest or throat? Do you feel it in your gut? Once you start to feel the anger in your body, you can name it or you can say the person’s name who you are feeling anger toward, even swearing while you talk about them.
Step 2:
Once you’ve tapped into your anger, let it out. Scream. Scream into a pillow or alone in your car if you need to quiet the sounds. You can scream about the person you are angry at and say all of the things you wish you could say to their face. Screaming allows us to use our voice about the event that caused the pain and anger.
Step 3:
In order to help continue to move the anger through your system, punch a pillow, use a pillow to hit the bed, hit the bed with a tennis racket, or any number of ways to get it out of your body safely. This will help continue your release of anger.
Step 4:
At the end of the release of anger, when you feel ready to be calmer, lie down and allow yourself to feel what is underneath the anger. Anger is generally a secondary emotion that comes into play when the fear, hurt, grief, or sadness feels too much and we want to cover it up. Feel whatever comes up, and when you’re ready and you feel you’ve expressed enough anger and other emotion to move past the event, allow yourself to forgive the other person involved.
MOVING FORWARD
Forgiveness allows you to move on from the situation without it having a hold on your life anymore. You may also feel the need to forgive yourself, for either your part in the situation or for holding onto this event for so long. Allow the forgiveness to be a marking point in your life of forward movement, when you are ready to live life on your terms and not on the terms of old emotion holding you back.
Remember, if this work feels overwhelming to you or need support moving through this, seek the guidance of a licensed mental health professional.
Julie Lublin, MA , LPC, is a therapist at Marsh Psychology Group. You can reach her at jlublin@marshpsychologygroup.com
What is Codependency? “Do we really have the right to take care of ourselves? Do we really have the right to set boundaries? Do we really have the right to be direct and say what we need to say? You bet we do.” ― Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go: Hazelden Meditation Series I want to […]
What is Codependency?
“Do we really have the right to take care of ourselves? Do we really have the right to set boundaries? Do we really have the right to be direct and say what we need to say? You bet we do.”
― Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go: Hazelden Meditation Series
I want to talk with you today about Codependency. In researching a definition of codependency, I discovered, there are many ways it has been defined. Here are two of those definitions that stood out to me as most descriptive and accurate.
“Codependency is a psychological condition that is manifested in relationships. Codependents give a great deal more love, care, and respect (LRC) to others than they expect, request, and ultimately receive. Even though codependents are resentful and angry about the LRC inequality, they do not terminate the relationship. If they or their partner does end the relationship, codependents perpetually find themselves on the giving end of a new relationship.” As quoted by Ross Rosenberg from his book “The Human Magnet Syndrome
Mental Health America defines Codependency in the following way,
“Co-dependency is a learned behavior and sometimes it can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.”
Melody Beattie, the author of Codependent No More, defines codependency as, “a codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior”.
Codependency traits often present as difficulties in loving, accepting, trusting, and being true to Self.
Some Characteristics of Co-Dependent People Are:
According to the Author of Codependent No More, Melody Beattie; some of the ways to begin to heal are:
Treatment can include education and individual and group therapy through which co-dependents rediscover themselves and identify self-defeating behavior patterns. Treatment focuses on helping clients to get in touch with feelings that have been buried during childhood, and on exploring family dynamics. The goal is to experience a full range of feelings again, learn to set boundaries and improve assertive self-expression.
If you think you may be codependent, working with a therapist could be helpful. A mental health professional can help you to determine if your behaviors resemble codependency and can help you begin to take steps to heal. A therapist can work with you on any co-occurring mental health issues and help you explore the roots of your behavior. You can begin to learn how to balance your needs with the needs of others.
Carol Van Kampen, LMSW is an individual private practice psychotherapist who specializes in anxiety, depression, grief, and trauma treatment at Marsh Psychology Group. Carol is EMDR trained. Contact her at marshpsychologygroup.com
cvankampen@marshpsychologygroup.com
https://marshpsychologygroup.com/carol-van-kampen-lmsw/
The Invisible Trauma: Childhood Emotional Neglect: Understanding what didn’t happen in childhood, and how it is causing your unhappiness today When we think of abuse and neglect, it usually brings to mind concrete examples of intentional harm through physical, sexual, or verbal abuse. But there is another common form of mistreatment that often occurs in […]
The Invisible Trauma: Childhood Emotional Neglect: Understanding what didn’t happen in childhood, and how it is causing your unhappiness today
When we think of abuse and neglect, it usually brings to mind concrete examples of intentional harm through physical, sexual, or verbal abuse. But there is another common form of mistreatment that often occurs in childhood and goes largely unnoticed. When a child’s emotional needs are routinely overlooked, ignored, invalidated, or unaddressed, we call it emotional neglect.
“But I wasn’t Abused”
Many adults who are dealing with the effects of emotional neglect are hesitant to see there was a problem in the way they were raised, and even remember having good childhoods: their physical needs were met, no one overtly mistreated them, they had a loving family. Emotional Neglect can be difficult to recognize because it most often happens unintentionally. The parent was unable to meet the child’s emotional needs, whether it be the result of an addiction, mental illness, being focused on other things (work, divorce, illness), or simply not having the skills necessary to nurture the child’s emotional experience. In an emotionally neglectful environment, the child is shown their feelings are not important or are wrong. When this occurs, the child learns to detach from and ignore their own feelings, and this continues into adulthood if not addressed.
Here are common signs of Emotional Neglect:
1)You feel empty or disconnected from feelings, you are unable to identify and express feelings
2)You feel guilt or shame about your needs or feelings
3)You fear being dependent on others, and you reject offers of help
4)You do not seem to ‘know’ yourself: your likes and dislikes, your strengths and weaknesses
5)You are hard on yourself and give others more compassion than you give yourself
6)You are easily overwhelmed and discouraged
7)You have low self-esteem and are sensitive to rejection
8)You believe you are flawed; feel there is something inherently wrong with you that you cannot name
So What Can I Do About it Now?
Because emotional neglect is caused by caregivers who were not attuned to your emotions and did not acknowledge them adequately, you can start by doing this for yourself. Begin to check in with yourself throughout the day and identify how you are feeling, and why. Avoid judging or criticizing how you feel; work on accepting your emotions. Once you are able to identify, accept, and connect with your emotions, you can learn to support your own needs and communicate them to others.
This process takes time and can be significantly enhanced with the support of a mental health therapist who can help guide you in learning to meet your own emotional needs.
Sources:
-Webb, J., & Musello, C. (2019). Running on empty: Overcome your childhood emotional neglect
-https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-anger/202001/9-signs-childhood-emotional-neglect-and-3-ways-heal
-Laura Gross, LMSW
Laura Gross is a fully licensed social worker who specializes in teen mental health issues. Contact her at:
lgross@marshpsychologygroup.com
Marsh Psychology Group: 248-860-2024
Secondary Trauma and Front Line workers, understanding signs and symptoms.
Dealing with Secondary Trauma
Working with people who are experiencing their own trauma can be difficult day in and day out. Right now, with the pain of a pandemic, as well as an intense political climate, people are experiencing even more personal trauma than normal. If you work in industries where you are trying to support people through difficult circumstances (medical professions, educators, mental health providers, etc.), you may be experiencing secondary traumatic stress.
What is Secondary Traumatic Stress?
Secondary Traumatic Stress (STS) is “the emotional duress that results when an individual hears about the firsthand trauma experiences of another” (The National Child Traumatic Stress Network). STS can lead to burnout, physical illness, low job performance and morale, difficult concentrating and making decisions. It can also lead to a desire to leave your service-related field.
What Can You Do?
Self-care always tops the list as a way to mitigate STS. If you find it difficult to leave your work at work, try to stop at a park or trail on your way home to spend time in nature. Learning mindfulness or meditation can help you remain calm and in-the-moment throughout your day. Setting reminders on your phone to check in with yourself to focus on how you’re feeling, even if only for two minutes, and remember to take deep breaths, can help discharge stress throughout the day.
Check to see if your employer offers support groups, professional development, or mindfulness breaks throughout the day that you could participate in. If they don’t offer any of those, ask your Human Resources department to set something up. You are not alone in how you feel. There are probably many employees where you work that could benefit from those resources.
Remember to enjoy life where you can! Laughter and joy are natural healers and stress relievers. Encourage your co-workers to meet for a social distanced lunch together and talk about fun events that happened outside of work. Organize events that could bring laughter and stress relief to your work day. You are all in this together – remember to share both difficulties and joy.
Finally, reach out for help if your normal stress relieving activities and self care waver. Red flags include, difficulty sleeping, agitation and anxiety, loss of interest in engaging in usually enjoyable activities, social isolation, and increased use of substances to deal with stress. These are signs that the trauma of your work is overloading your brain. Mental health services are available to provide support and process your experiences. Our valued helpers, who give so much, are not immune to needing support and care.
Julie Lublin, MA LPC
Julie Lublin is licensed professional counselor and can be reached at jlublin@marshpsychologygroup.com.
Many people are brought up to always be kind to others. But how many of us were taught to be kind to ourselves? Self-compassion, or self-love, can often seem like a foreign concept, particularly to those raised in an abusive or unloving home. Self- compassion and self-love are not to be confused with arrogance or […]
Many people are brought up to always be kind to others. But how many of us were taught to be kind to ourselves? Self-compassion, or self-love, can often seem like a foreign concept, particularly to those raised in an abusive or unloving home.
Self- compassion and self-love are not to be confused with arrogance or conceit, which are usually indicators of a lack of self-love. Self-compassion has nothing to do with faux superiority and everything to do with being kind and gentle with oneself. It allows us to treat ourselves as we do our greatest loved ones. Instead of harshly judging ourselves for any personal shortcomings, we can instead give ourselves unconditional love and acceptance.
Why is Self-Compassion Important?
Over the last decade, research has shown a correlation between self-compassion and overall psychological well-being. Self-compassion helps us recognize the difference between making a bad choice and being a bad person. It also helps us have greater connections with others and less depression, anxiety, and fear of failure.
A lack of self-compassion can take a toll on our personal and romantic relationships. How we treat ourselves is typically an indicator of how we let others treat us. The less love and compassion we have for ourselves the more likely we end up in abusive and dysfunctional relationships. But, when we have self-compassion, we are less likely to depend on others to validate our self-worth or “complete us.”
Here are 3 ways you can begin practicing self-compassion:
1. Treat Yourself as You Would a Small Child
You would never treat a small child the way you may sometimes treat yourself. You wouldn’t call a child “stupid” for making a poor decision. And you certainly wouldn’t tell them they are unlovable and “will wind up alone forever.”
It may be hard treating yourself with such kindness in the beginning because you are not used to it. But in those moments, decide to treat yourself as you would a child and much progress will be made.
2. Practice Mindfulness
Self-criticism is a mental habit. In order to replace self-criticism with self-compassion, we must practice mindfulness.
When you find yourself caught up in that negative noise and mind chatter, stop, take a deep breath, and refocus your thoughts on something more positive about yourself. What qualities do you like about yourself? What have you done recently that you feel proud about? It can be anything, “I am always on time,” or, “I made the cashier smile.”
When you do find yourself having negative thoughts, DO NOT chastise yourself for having them. Thank those negative thoughts and tell them you no longer need them, then send them on their way to make room for positivity.
3. Give Yourself Permission to Be Human
At the end of the day, self-compassion is about being okay with our own humanity. It’s important to recognize that being human means being flawed, and that’s okay. You and the rest of the world have imperfections in common.
Give yourself permission to make mistakes and accept yourself, warts and all. You’ll be pleasantly surprised how much lighter and happier you will feel.
While it’s incredibly important to learn self-compassion, it’s not always easy cultivating new thought and behavioral patterns on your own. A therapist can give you the support, encouragement and guidance you need to help you make these positive changes in your life.
If you or a loved one has struggled with self-compassion and would like to speak with someone, please give me a call. Let’s discuss how I may best be able to help.
There was a time when the phrase passive-aggressive was rarely uttered among non-psychologists. But it’s a phrase that is mentioned often these days. The problem is, passive-aggressive behavior is almost so common, that it’s hard for people to pinpoint what that behavior looks like exactly. Do you know any passive-aggressive people? Chances are you do. […]
There was a time when the phrase passive-aggressive was rarely uttered among non-psychologists. But it’s a phrase that is mentioned often these days.
The problem is, passive-aggressive behavior is almost so common, that it’s hard for people to pinpoint what that behavior looks like exactly.
Do you know any passive-aggressive people? Chances are you do. But do you know the real behaviors to spot? If not, keep reading to find out.
Passive-aggressive people love playing the part of the victim and martyr. Therefore they’ll never just come out and say “no” to something. Instead, they’ll go along with others’ plans and needs, and then sigh, shake their head and roll their eyes because they didn’t get their own way. Do you know anyone like this?
Every other sentence out of their mouth seems to be some form of complaint. They are usually low-grade complaints as again, they try to consistently mask their real feelings. It’s always a guessing game with these people.
“That dress looks so much better on you than the last one that made your hips look big.” Suppressed resentment is their currency and it tends to come out with backhanded compliments.
Do you have a coworker who resents that they weren’t assigned to head your project? Do they show up to work late? Work at a snail’s pace? Take long breaks? When passive-aggressive people don’t get their way, they will throw their brand of a tantrum so everyone suffers.
If pushing buttons were an Olympic event, the passive-aggressive person would bring home the gold, silver AND bronze medals. Once they know what annoys you, they can’t help but push, push, push.
Have you ever had a roommate, colleague or romantic partner take a call that you had been waiting for and then “accidentally” forgot to give you the message? Whoopsie! This is to teach you a lesson: don’t ever ask me to do anything for you again.
Have you ever known someone who seemed brilliant in so many instances, and yet, in a second, they become the Absent-Minded Professor? They suddenly forgot where they placed the very important documents you need for the board meeting? Or where they put your purse (why did they even touch or move your purse??!!). Again, these are instances of someone who has deep-seated anger and resentment, but who can’t just come forth and confront you in a mature and direct manner.
Dealing with passive-aggressive people is never fun. But if you know what signs to look for, you can steer clear as much as possible!
Tips for starting college during a pandemic. Tips to maintain your physical and emotional health.
Toolbox: Going off to College in the age of Covid-19
This year, thousands of freshman will begin their college careers on campuses across the country. While some universities (Harvard, MIT, etc.) closed their campuses fall semester, many are opening their dormitory doors in the hopes that some semblance of campus life can be created, even in these challenging times.
But this year will be different. Freshmen/women will have another layer of stress to combat. In addition to the normal challenges of transitioning to university life, they have to contend with COVID-19 . Here are some tips to help prepare and succeed this year:
I wish you great success on your university adventure! Here’s to discovering amazing things in your studies and about yourself!
Be well,
Dr. Marsh