When a loved one is depressed, it’s often difficult to know what to say. Even with the best of intentions, friends and family can often say the wrong thing, which can make the person feel misunderstood and even more isolated.

If you’ve never suffered from depression, you may simply not know what is appropriate and what is not when speaking with someone who is suffering. Here are three things you should never say to someone with depression.

Pretending to Understand When You Don’t

Perhaps the worst thing you can say to someone who is depressed is, “I completely understand. After [insert specific event] I was depressed for weeks.”

The truth is, grief and depression are two entirely different things. Feeling sad after the loss of a pet or being laid off from your job is expected. These feelings are not chronic but rather expected after an isolated incident.

Depression is chronic and is often not associated with one specific incident. Clinical depression can last for years and sufferers typically cannot pinpoint the reason they are feeling what they are feeling.

Unless you have truly suffered from depression, don’t tell your loved one that you understand. Though you may want to, you simply don’t.

Sharing Information from an Article You Read

Even well-researched and thoughtful articles on the topic of depression cannot possibly paint the full picture or offer the best course of treatment or action. As everyone is an individual, all treatment needs to be individualized as well.

You may have read that exercise can help lesson some of the symptoms of depression. And while exercise can release powerful “feel good” hormones, exercise alone will not offer enough full relief from the disease. Also, by lending this kind of “quick fix” advice, you risk coming across as patronizing and may make the sufferer feel as though they are not trying hard enough to “het better.”

Why Not Take a Vacation?

If you’ve never suffered from depression, it’s easy to confuse it with stress, but the two could not be more different. Telling a depressed person they just need to relax more is like telling a paraplegic they just need a new pair of shoes. Neither solution gets to the root cause of the issue.

When you love someone who is depressed, you want to help in any way you can. But offering advice or suggestions when you are unclear of what it is they are experiencing is not helpful. The best thing you can do is educate yourself on depression so you may better understand what you’re loved one is truly going through.

It is also advisable that you speak to them about seeking treatment. A therapist will be able to help your loved one understand what is happening to them and guide them through the journey back to health. If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

Of all the words in the English language, depression must be one of the most misunderstood. Why does this term seem to confuse so many people? Why is its real meaning so hard to grasp? It is because the term has two starkly contrasting meanings, depending on who is using it.

Among clinicians, the term depression is used to describe a debilitating syndrome that robs people of their energy, memories, ability to concentrate, love and experience joy. This is not just an emotional state, but a physical one that impacts specific regions of the brain. Depression actually lights up the brain’s pain circuitry, inducing a state of suffering that can become debilitating.

Beyond this, depression is actually neurotoxic, meaning the disorder can eventually lead to the death of neurons in critical memory and reasoning areas of the brain, including the hippocampus and prefrontal cortex. Simply stated –  depression causes brain damage.

Colloqiual Usage

Confusion abounds when the term ‘depression’ is used by people in everyday conversation, however. In these instances, they usually are referring to something far less serious or clinical. In fact, most people use the term as a synonym for mere sadness or being slightly upset.

For instance, you will often here people make comments such as, “I was so depressed when Starbucks dropped its pumpkin spice latte,” or “Oh my God, I just ripped a whole in my favorite pair of jeans. I am like, so depressed right now.” No, you’re not, you’re bummed, pretty disappointed in fact, but you are certainly not depressed. These kinds of disappointments, while frustrating, are simply a part of life.

But ripped jeans and discontinued menu items have little effect on our ability to function, and the feelings of disappointment and annoyance rarely last for very long. A friendly word from a loved one or a hug is generally all that’s needed to get over the perceived “crisis.”

In contrast, clinical depression often persists for months, and no amount of friendly support from loved ones is enough to make it any less debilitating.

Time for New Language?

And that is where the confusion lies, and why many people simply don’t understand the true ramifications of clinical depression. It is also why those who suffer from depression are met with relative indifference when they open up to friends and family about their condition.

The sad reality is that, because of this profound confusion, many depressed patients are expected to simply “snap out of it” by their friends and family. No one would ever take this attitude with someone suffering from cancer or kidney disease; the admonition is equally offensive and inappropriate in the case of clinical depression.

Perhaps it is time to come up with a new term to describe the symptoms of clinical depression. By using new language, more people might understand the disease and show more compassion toward individuals suffering from it.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.