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People – Pleasing How the need to please others is actually ruining your relationships As adults, we are often acting out damaging messages we received in childhood without even realizing what is driving our behavior. One of these common behavior patterns is people-pleasing. It might be difficult to spot, because on the surface […]
People – Pleasing
How the need to please others is actually ruining your relationships
As adults, we are often acting out damaging messages we received in childhood without even realizing what is driving our behavior. One of these common behavior patterns is people-pleasing. It might be difficult to spot, because on the surface it looks like being agreeable, helpful, and available. Things we are taught are good, and traits we might use to describe a ‘nice person.’
But look a little deeper, and you might find an unhealthy pattern of ignoring and denying your own feelings and needs out of fear. If you are afraid of how others will perceive you, or afraid of what will happen if you say ‘no’ or disappoint someone, you might do whatever it takes to try to please them. People-pleasing is a way to try to control others and how they see you. This becomes damaging when it prevents you from being authentic and acknowledging your own needs.
From this article in Psychology Today, here are 10 signs of People-Pleasing behavior:
Over time, if we repeatedly ignore our own feelings and needs by focusing on what we think other people want from us, we can end up feeling resentful, used, unfulfilled, and emotionally depleted in relationships. People-pleasing involves some level of dishonesty, because we are not being open and authentic about our own needs. We will end up feeling disconnected, and our relationships will remain superficial because we are not connecting in an honest way.
To develop healthier, more authentic connections with others, we must work on becoming more aware of our own needs. This involves slowing down our reactions and acknowledging how we actually feel about things, instead of automatically agreeing. We can then begin to believe our feelings are valid and we are safe in expressing our needs to others, which allows us to hold healthier boundaries and make decisions based on what is best for ourselves.
Because a pattern of behavior like people-pleasing takes time to develop, the process of ‘un-learning’ it takes time as well. This process is often best navigated with the help of a Licensed Mental Health Professional who can provide guidance and support.
Laura Gross, LMSW
Marsh Psychology Group
248-860-2024
lgross@marshpsychologygroup.com
If you’re like most people, you brought in the new year with a list of resolutions. And if you’re like most people, all of those resolutions have one goal: to better your life in some way. Whether that is through eating right, working out, learning a new language or decluttering your home office, resolutions are […]
If you’re like most people, you brought in the new year with a list of resolutions. And if you’re like most people, all of those resolutions have one goal: to better your life in some way. Whether that is through eating right, working out, learning a new language or decluttering your home office, resolutions are made to help us live our best lives.
In all of these instances (health, weight loss, decluttering) therapy can help.
You see, most people believe mental health therapy is something you seek when there is a major crisis; when we need help navigating depression or anxiety; when we’re going through a big transition, or when our marriage is on the verge of collapse.
And while therapy can absolutely help with all of these scenarios, it offers numerous benefits you may not have thought of:
Different therapy protocols have been shown to improve different physical symptoms associated with stress. This includes a reduction in migraines, digestive upset, better appetite and improved sleep.
Many of us think we are running our lives when really, our lives are being run by subconscious programming from early childhood. Therapy helps clients understand where feelings, beliefs and behaviors really come from. Through treatment, individuals can become more self-aware and empowered to take responsibility for the lives they are creating. In this way, THEY create their lives instead of their lives being something that is happening TO them.
Of course, self-awareness also means becoming aware of your passions and desires. Many people spend a majority of their life doing what others want instead of what THEY want. And many people simply don’t KNOW what they want in life.
Therapy can help you become an archeologist of sorts, digging into your heart, mind and soul to uncover what it is you value, love, desire, need and want.
It’s the new year and we all have new goals that we are hoping to reach. Well, therapy can help you reach those goals!
A trained therapist can help you set achievable goals as well as help you outline the micro steps you’ll need to take to get there. They can also then act as coach and cheerleader, supporting your efforts to reach your goals.
Yes, therapy is something that you can turn to for depression, addiction, and help with your crumbling relationships. But therapy can help with so much more. If you’d like to explore treatment options in the new year, please get in touch with me.
SOURCES:
Tips for Providing Positive Support to LGBTQ+ Individuals The LGBTQ+ community comprises approximately 4.5 percent of the general population of the United States. Individuals identifying as LGBTQ+ are significantly more likely to have experienced exclusion, alienation, and even blatant discriminatory behaviors within social, academic, and work settings than individuals not identifying as LGBTQ+. Many non-LGBTQ+ […]
Tips for Providing Positive Support to LGBTQ+ Individuals
The LGBTQ+ community comprises approximately 4.5 percent of the general population of the United States. Individuals identifying as LGBTQ+ are significantly more likely to have experienced exclusion, alienation, and even blatant discriminatory behaviors within social, academic, and work settings than individuals not identifying as LGBTQ+. Many non-LGBTQ+ individuals therefore wish to learn specific techniques and develop a better understanding of queer terminology to assist in increasing the comfort level of their LGBTQ+ friends, acquaintances, and/or colleagues. Below are some suggestions of how to provide support and increase the overall comfort level of LGBTQ+ individuals:
1. Do not automatically assume a person is heterosexual. For example, if you meet someone and they inform you they are in a relationship, do not assume their partner is of the opposite gender. Assuming a person is heterosexual forces them to correct you or even omit the truth, potentially making both of you uncomfortable. Attempt to make conversations as neutral as possible in terms of gender identity and sexual orientation.
2. Do not assume a person identifies as “male” or “female.” Do not assume that because someone appears to express themselves in a manner you define as “male” or “female” that they identify as such. Terms such as “non-binary” (i.e., identifying and/or having the experience of a gender that is not exclusively “male” or “female”) are increasingly embraced by individuals feeling as though “one-size-fits-all” descriptors of gender expression are oversimplified and inaccurate. Many individuals identifying as non-binary prefer to be addressed as “they/them.”
3. State your preferred pronouns. To minimize discomfort for queer individuals in making their preferred pronouns known, it can be helpful to develop a habit of stating your preferred pronouns as part of the introductory process. For example, “My name is Sierra, and my preferred pronouns are she/her/hers.”
4. If you are confused, respectfully ask for clarification. If a concept is unfamiliar to you, there is nothing wrong with appropriately and respectfully asking for clarification when it involves increasing the comfort level of those around you. For example, “I want to make sure I’m addressing you correctly; will you please remind me of your preferred pronouns?” Many cisgendered (i.e., those whose gender identity corresponds with their assigned birth sex) and/or heterosexual individuals fear asking queer individuals for clarification and simply avoid interaction with them altogether to minimize their own discomfort, which may inadvertently exclude and/or cause queer individuals to feel alienated.
5. If you make an honest mistake, do not panic. Regardless of our gender expression, gender identity, and sexual orientation, we are all human and we all make mistakes. If you accidentally misgender someone or accidentally assume someone is heterosexual, apologize sincerely and inform the individual that you will be mindful of your language in the future. Emphasize to them that you are in the process of learning this terminology to help to increase their level of comfort, as well as the comfort level of the queer community as a whole.
6. Do not dismiss these concepts as a “phase” or “fad.” One of the biggest misconceptions about the aforementioned terminology is that more recently utilized terms are simply a societal fad and are therefore unimportant to learn and implement regularly. This idea is simply untrue. Non-binary and non-heterosexual identities and orientations have been documented for centuries across numerous cultures around the globe, and society is finally more regularly implementing the terminology to correspond with these identities and experiences. While terminology may evolve with time (as does any terminology), these identities and experiences have existed for centuries, and will continue to do so; therefore, it is important for the comfort level of those around you to familiarize yourself with this terminology.
7. Get involved. There are many activism organizations in which you can express support for LGBTQ+ individuals and/or work to assist in efforts to minimize discriminatory measures against LGBTQ+ individuals. Involvement in one or more of these organizations can greatly assist LGBTQ+ individuals on a broader scale.
If you are an LGBTQ+ individual experiencing discomfort or difficulty regarding any of the aforementioned topics, it may be helpful to seek the services of a mental health professional specializing in issues specific to members of the LGBTQ+ community and/or identifying as an LGBTQ+ ally.
-Sierra Shapiro, MS, LPC
Sierra Shapiro is a staff psychotherapist at Marsh Psychology Group. You can contact her at 248-860-2024 or sshapiro@marshpscyhologygroup.com .
How You Can Heal from Developmental Trauma:
Developmental Trauma is a term used to describe childhood trauma, such as chronic abuse, neglect or other harsh adversity which occurred in the home. When a child is exposed to overwhelming stress, and their caregiver does not help reduce this stress, or is the cause of the stress, the child experiences developmental trauma. Children then becomes at risk for a host of complex emotional, cognitive, and physical illnesses that can last throughout their adult lives.
Developmental traumas are also called Adverse Childhood Experiences. (ACEs). ACEs can be Abuse, Neglect or household dysfunction.
ACE’s can include having a parent with mental illness or substance abuse, losing a parent due to divorce, abandonment or incarceration, witnessing domestic violence, not feeling loved or not feeling close to family members, not having enough food or clean clothing, as well as direct verbal, physical or sexual abuse.— ACEs can harm developing brains, predisposing people to autoimmune disease, heart disease, cancer, depression, and a number of other chronic conditions;decades after the trauma took place.
In the famous study known as the Adverse Childhood Events (ACE) study, adults who experienced a higher number of adverse experiences were found to have much higher rates of serious physical health outcomes, high-risk health behaviors, and early illness and mortality.These outcomes can include, lack of physical activity, smoking, alcoholism, drug use, missed work, obesity, depression, diabetes, suicide attempts, STD’s, heart disease, stroke and more.
Knowledge is Power. Once you understand that your body and brain have been harmed by the biological impact of early emotional trauma, you can begin to take the necessary, steps to reduce the effects of the early adversity left on your neurobiology. You can begin to heal. You can reduce the increased chance of inflammation, depression, addiction, physical pain, and disease. Science tells us that biology does not have to be destiny. ACEs are part of our past, but the effects of our trauma does not have to dictate our present. We can rewire our brains. Even if we have been set on high reactive mode for decades, we can still lower our risks. We can respond to life’s inevitable stressors more appropriately and shift away from an overactive inflammatory response.
Here are some steps to take to start the healing process: There is no better time to begin your transformation.
Take the ACE questionnaire.
The single most important step you can take toward healing and transformation is to fill out the ACE questionnaire and share your results with your health-care practitioner. For many people, taking the 10-question survey helps to normalize the conversation about adverse childhood experiences.
Begin Writing to Heal.
Write down your story of childhood adversity, using a technique psychologists call “writing to heal”. Over a four day period, write down your deepest emotions and thoughts about the emotional challenges that have been influencing your life the most. In your writing, let go, and explore these events and how they have affected you. You might tie this experience to your childhood, your relationship with your parents, people you have loved or love now. Write continuously for twenty minutes a day. The exercise of writing about your emotions and thoughts has been proven to have positive effects on health.
Practice mindfulness meditation
Research indicates that individuals who have practiced mindfulness meditation and mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) show an increase in gray matter in the same parts of the brain that are damaged by adverse childhood experiences.
Choose a time every day to focus on your breath. Learn diaphragmatic breathing and grounding techniques. Your breath is the best natural calming treatment—and it has no side effects.
Yoga
When children face ACEs, they often store decades of physical tension from a fight, flight, or freeze state of mind in their bodies. Studies show that yoga decreases blood flow to the amygdala, the brain’s alarm center, and increases blood flow to the frontal lobe and prefrontal cortex, which help us to react to stressors in healthier ways. Yoga has also increase levels of GABA—or gamma-aminobutyric acid—a chemical that improves brain function, promotes calm, and helps to protect us against depression and anxiety.
Build Social Connections
Research has found that having strong social ties improves outcomes for men and women with cancer, autoimmune disorders, or other chronic diseases. This is because positive interactions with others boost our production of oxytocin, a “feel-good” hormone that dials down the inflammatory stress response
EMDR Therapy
Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) is a form of psychotherapy that helps individuals remember difficult experiences safely and relate to those memories in ways that no longer cause pain in the present. EMDR therapists help patients to trigger memories and the connected emotions and beliefs. As the patient recalls specific difficult experiences, they are asked to complete eye movements with the therapists help. These eye movements are similar tothe healing action of REM sleep.
EMDR creates a neurobiological state that helps the brain change neural connections that have been dysregulated by chronic, unpredictable stress and past experiences-often ACE’s. This change can lead to a reduction of the traumatic memories we store in the brain and calm the brains alarm center.
Therapy
Sometimes, the long-lasting effects of childhood trauma are just too great to tackle on our own.Part of the power of therapy lies in allowing ourselves to finally form an attachment to a safe person. A therapist’s unconditional acceptance helps us to change the circuits in our brain that tell us that we cannot trust anyone. With this change, we can begin to grow new, healthier neural connections and begin to heal.
Carol Van Kampen, LMSW
Carol Van Kampen, LMSW is an individual private practice psychotherapist who specializes in anxiety, depression, grief, and trauma treatment at Marsh Psychology Group. Carol is EMDR trained. Contact her at marshpsychologygroup.com
cvankampen@marshpsychologygroup.com
https://marshpsychologygroup.com/carol-van-kampen-lmsw/
Sources: 8 ways people recover from post childhood adversity syndrome; Donna Jackson Nakazaw
What is Developmental Trauma / ACE’s- Portico, Canada’s mental health and addiction network
Anxiety and the Avoidance Trap Avoidance is a common behavior associated with anxiety. For example, if someone has social anxiety, they might avoid attending social gatherings where they would be expected to interact with a lot of people. This avoidance feels like a relief initially because the threat of experiencing uncomfortable symptoms goes away. While […]
Anxiety and the Avoidance Trap
Avoidance is a common behavior associated with anxiety. For example, if someone has social anxiety, they might avoid attending social gatherings where they would be expected to interact with a lot of people. This avoidance feels like a relief initially because the threat of experiencing uncomfortable symptoms goes away. While it makes logical sense in the moment, avoidance makes anxiety worse over time.
Every time this person says ‘no’ to a social gathering, they are enforcing the idea they cannot handle the experience and need to avoid it to be safe. As they lose confidence in their ability to tolerate discomfort, they will be more likely to avoid it again the next time. What starts with large gatherings could develop into avoiding other situations. Over time, their life becomes increasingly limited.
If avoidance is not the answer, how do we best address anxiety around specific triggers? The answer is the opposite of avoidance: exposure. Find ways to begin to tolerate anxiety-causing situations, and the uncomfortable feelings that result, by developing coping skills. Start slowly with something just outside of your comfort zone to begin to build confidence and tolerance, and work toward addressing larger triggers.
Depending on the severity of one’s anxiety and the extent of avoidance, exposure can be extremely difficult to do without help. Working with a mental health professional can provide the support and guidance needed to face anxiety and overcome the avoidance cycle.
-Laura Gross, LMSW
Laura Gross is a fully licensed clinical therapist with Marsh Psychology Group. Contact her at:
lgross@marshpsychologygroup.com
Marsh Psychology Group: 248-860-2024
“Imposter Syndrome” in the Workplace
“Imposter Syndrome,” while not a diagnosable condition within the mental health community, is a widely-experienced phenomenon within the professional world in which a person feels a chronic sense of inadequacy and/or as if they are not truly qualified for their respective position (despite the person’s actual qualifications). “Imposter Syndrome” can be present among any demographic group; however, it is a mindset most commonly experienced among women and minority groups.
“Imposter Syndrome” can be displayed in a number of ways within the work environment, including seeking constant reassurance about one’s job performance, difficulty “speaking up” during staff meetings, “overachieving” behaviors, perfectionistic tendencies, working significantly longer hours than required or expected of one’s position, attendance issues (typically due to early “burn out” and/or workplace anxiety), and even mannerisms perceived as “arrogant” by coworkers (typically as a compensatory measure).
If feelings and/or behaviors caused by “Imposter Syndrome” are left unaddressed, these experienced negative feelings will only worsen, potentially leading to extreme job dissatisfaction, decreased self-esteem, depressive- and/or anxiety-related symptoms, and even quitting or being terminated from one’s place of employment.
Therefore, if you recognize “Imposter Syndrome” tendencies within your own workplace behaviors, here are some strategies that may assist you:
1. Objectively evaluate your work performance. Are you completing the tasks expected of you in a satisfactory and timely manner? Is your attendance satisfactory? What are your strengths and areas that challenge you? What are ways in which you wish to grow and advance in your career? Provide yourself with objective feedback in these areas on a regular basis. Implementing self-calming techniques, such as deep breathing, will assist in your ability to remain objective.
2. Practice compassionate yet constructive self-talk. Provide yourself with regular positive reinforcement regarding your work performance. In identifying areas of your job in which you are struggling, brainstorm constructive and realistic strategies to improve your performance (seeking feedback from others if needed). An example of compassionate yet constructive self-talk is as follows: “I did a great job stepping out of my comfort zone and taking a leadership role on this project; next time, I will keep my notes available so I am able to communicate my thoughts more clearly.”
3. Remind yourself that YOU were hired for this position. Unless you blatantly misrepresented yourself throughout the hiring process, your employer hired YOU based on your education, credentials, experience, personality traits, and/or other qualities deeming you capable of being successful in your current position. Provide yourself with daily reminders of your capability through positive self-talk and through objective evidence. For example, “Based on my education, experience, and leadership abilities, I
am capable of doing this job, and I deserve my position.” Many people find it helpful to write these daily reminders in a journal.
4. Seek support from others. As stated earlier, “Imposter Syndrome” is most commonly experienced among women and minority populations. It may be helpful to seek supportive resources specifically geared toward women and/or minority populations. These include, but are not limited to, mentors, peers, support groups, and community activism organizations.
5. Set boundaries. Many who experience “Imposter Syndrome” attempt to compensate for their perceived inadequacies by demonstrating “overachieving” behaviors. To minimize these tendencies, it is often helpful to establish a set work schedule and to make a pact with yourself to not lengthen your work hours unless required of your position or only as an occasional exception. Other strategies include delegating tasks (if appropriate), saying “no” to responsibilities outside of one’s job description, and asking for assistance and/or clarification if a particular task is unclear.
6. Establish or maintain appropriate work-life balance. It is critical that each of us engages in activities, interests, hobbies, relationships, etc., separate from our work environment. This is especially important among individuals experiencing tendencies of “Imposter Syndrome,” as the work environment is often a trigger for feelings of anxiety that extend well beyond the work day. Establish (or maintain) a consistent self-care routine that provides consistent fulfillment and feelings of relaxation and contentment for you.
If any of these techniques are especially challenging for you, or if you are experiencing difficulty coping with work-related stress, it may be helpful to seek the services of a mental health professional.
-Sierra Shapiro, MS, LPC
Sierra Shapiro is a staff psychotherapist at Marsh Psychology Group. You can reach her at 248-860-2024 or Sshapiro@marshpsychologygroup.com
We are born knowing that we are infinitely lovable. Babies and toddlers demand love and attention. They ask to be held, they ask for toys and presents and they feel they deserve them. When we’re very young, we simply somehow just “know” that we are amazing and deserve nothing but goodness. But then something happens… […]
We are born knowing that we are infinitely lovable. Babies and toddlers demand love and attention. They ask to be held, they ask for toys and presents and they feel they deserve them. When we’re very young, we simply somehow just “know” that we are amazing and deserve nothing but goodness.
But then something happens…
We get programmed by kids at school and various media outlets. We hit puberty and our hormones kick in and suddenly instead of being awesome and lovable, we believe we aren’t good enough, smart enough, or good looking enough.
The good news is, you can fall in love with yourself all over again, and here are some ideas to get you started:
Make Time for Yourself
Little kids spend a lot of alone time playing. And during this alone time, they are really connected to their inner world. The “us” in this inner world is the real us, not the us in the business suit or rush-hour traffic or grocery store line. Spend quality time just with you so you can reconnect to the “you” you’ve forgotten.
Say “No” More Often
When we constantly put others’ needs before our own, we tell our subconscious mind over and over that we do not matter. If you are a people pleaser, get into the habit of saying no to others and yes to yourself more often.
Do What You Love
Maybe when you were young you wanted to be a painter or singer or photographer, but an adult “talked some sense into you.” Well there is no reason you can’t explore these passions as a hobby now. Doing what you love is one of the best ways to love yourself more.
Speak Your Truth
When you constantly tell other people what they want to hear instead of telling the truth, you silence yourself. This, in turn, kicks your self-worth to the curb.
Don’t be afraid to always be authentic and truthful. Sure, you’ll sometimes have to find graceful and tactful ways to share your truth with others, but it’s the best way to love yourself.
Get Help
When our self-worth is low or non-existent, attempting to love ourselves can feel impossible. If you suffer from self-esteem issues, speaking with a therapist can help you recognize where these issues came from and how to work through them to truly love yourself.
If you’d like to explore treatment options, please be in touch. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help you get your spark back.
Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, is a major depressive disorder that occurs during the same season each year. Also known as the “winter blues,” SAD typically comes on in the fall and winter, when the light is diminished. SAD is believed to affect nearly 10 million Americans and is four times more common in women […]
Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, is a major depressive disorder that occurs during the same season each year. Also known as the “winter blues,” SAD typically comes on in the fall and winter, when the light is diminished.
SAD is believed to affect nearly 10 million Americans and is four times more common in women than men. Many people experience symptoms that are severe enough to affect their quality of life.
Though not everyone will experience the same symptoms, here are some of the most common:
If you suffer from SAD, here are some ways you can alleviate your symptoms:
By far the greatest relief, according to research, comes from the use of lightboxes. Lightboxes emit high-intensity light between 2,500 to 10,000 lux. Compare this to a normal light fixture that emits only 250 to 500 lux.
Lightboxes closely mimic the sun’s natural rays, helping our brains produce the right amount of neurotransmitters that are responsible for mood.
Depending on the severity of your symptoms, you may only need to use the lightbox for 30 minutes once a day. For more severe symptoms, people have found relief by using the box for long periods of time and can often feel true relief in as little as two weeks.
Some insurance providers will cover the cost of lightboxes, but not all do, so be sure to speak with your provider.
While it may feel counterintuitive, if not downright impossible, to get up and get moving when you’re feeling depressed, exercise is one of the best ways to improve your mood. Exercise not only reduces stress and tension, but it releases those feel-good endorphins. Studies have also found that one hour of aerobic exercise outdoors (even if the sky is overcast) has the same positive effect on mood as 2.5 hours of using a lightbox.
It’s common to turn to junk food when you’re feeling the winter blues. High-sugar foods tend to give us a temporary boost in energy levels and mood. But then we come crashing down and feel even worse. A better choice is to eat a balanced and nutritious diet, opting for complex carbohydrates like sweet potatoes and whole grains.
If your symptoms are very severe, and if you are having any thoughts of harming yourself, then it is important to speak with a therapist who can help you navigate your depression and offer coping tools.
If you or a loved one are currently suffering from SAD and would like to explore treatment options, please get in touch with me. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.
If you asked any of us a year ago what would life be like in 2020, it’s doubtful anyone would have guessed we’d be going through a global pandemic, replete with lockdowns and self-quarantining. At the beginning of the year, some families might have thought of being forced to stay home from work and school […]
If you asked any of us a year ago what would life be like in 2020, it’s doubtful anyone would have guessed we’d be going through a global pandemic, replete with lockdowns and self-quarantining. At the beginning of the year, some families might have thought of being forced to stay home from work and school would be a fun little vacation. But as the weeks and months have passed, we’ve all learned this has been anything but fun.
But how is COVID affecting families? Well, it affects parents and kids and spouses a little differently.
Kids haven’t enjoyed the time off nearly as much as we all initially thought. Disruption to normal routines caused many teens and adolescents to feel anxiety. Add to this being away from their friends, and many young people are also feeling depressed.
Summer vacation for many this year wasn’t as fun as normal as travel has been next to impossible for some families in certain states. Sports teams were canceled, and boredom has set in for many kids, which has led to a lot of acting out and showing mood swings.
The pandemic has also negatively impacted those youths already suffering from a mental health issue, such as those on the autism spectrum. For many of these kids, a disruption of routine combined with cancellation of speech therapy sessions has stalled their progress and caused anxiety.
With some schools opening and some only offering online classes, life is still not back to normal and many kids are simply not able to deal with this crisis any longer.
Parents have, without question, been hit hard by the pandemic. With forced school closures, many parents have had to learn how to home school while also learn how to get used to the “new normal” of working from home.
As if that wasn’t enough, parents have also had to become mental health therapists, helping their children navigate through the fear, anxiety, and depression they are experiencing.
Quarantining and self-isolation have definitely impacted our familial and romantic relationships. When you are locked in a house with your family, things can become chaotic and, well, everyone gets on each other’s nerves. Now forced to live on top of one another, and enduring financial hardships, worrying about health, and educating and organizing the children—just going grocery shopping can add a layer of stress.
Those couples who may already have relationship issues under the surface may find the sudden and intense stress has brought these issues to the surface. This can be a turning point for many relationships: will this current crisis bring us closer or finally drive us apart?
Without question, we are all living under an intense amount of stress and it is affecting us all in different ways. If you and your family aren’t able to handle the stress any longer, it’s important that you reach out and get some help from a family counselor. Most therapists are offering telehealth services, which means you can get the benefits of therapy right over the internet.
If you’d like to explore treatment options, please reach out to me. I’d be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.
SOURCES:
Conflict-Resolution Tips for Couples During Quarantine Due to our current conditions, many of us are spending significantly more time inside of our homes, which for many of us means spending significantly more time with our partners. Statistically speaking, the more time we spend with any individual (even our beloved significant others), the greater the chances […]
Conflict-Resolution Tips for Couples During Quarantine
Due to our current conditions, many of us are spending significantly more time inside of our homes, which for many of us means spending significantly more time with our partners. Statistically speaking, the more time we spend with any individual (even our beloved significant others), the greater the chances become of some form of conflict arising.
In a fundamentally healthy relationship, increased minor conflict during this incredibly difficult time is completely normal and offers a unique opportunity for growth and even a deeper connection with one’s partner. However, as with any form of growth, there are “growing pains” and difficulties that arise during the process; these may occur in the form of more frequent arguments, resentment, more frequent annoyance, desire for distance from one’s partner, etc.
Below are some conflict-resolution tips that may assist you and/or your partner:
1. Clearly communicate your needs to your partner. Humans are not mind readers. Make sure you are communicating clearly to your partner what you are needing in the given moment. Failing to communicate one’s needs often leads to unhealthy emotional states and/or negative behavioral patterns toward one’s partner. An example of this is “snapping” at your partner when they sit next to you on the couch because you did not voice your need for a few minutes of space and “down time” after a work day.
2. Ask your partner for clarification. This feeds off of the previous tip. If you are unclear about what your partner is expressing to you, it is completely appropriate to ask for clarification in a respectful manner. For example: “I’m not sure what you mean by ‘I need some down time; please tell me what that looks like for you.’”
3. Do not expect yourself out of your partner. Your partner has their own unique biological makeup, thoughts, feelings, values, and life experiences shaping the individual they are today, as do you. Therefore, when we expect our partner to react identically to us or to share the exact same opinions as we do, we are immediately setting ourselves up for feelings of resentment. Many individuals are unaware they hold this expectation of their partner, so reflecting upon and clarifying your expectations to yourself may be helpful in minimizing this mindset if it is present. If you feel your partner is holding this expectation of you, it is again completely appropriate to communicate this concern and/or ask for clarification.
4. Take a break if negative emotions are high. While most disagreements begin as the result of negative emotions (e.g., stress, frustration, fear, etc.), it is counterproductive to attempt to resolve a disagreement if one or both partners is in an excessively negative emotional state. “Confrontation” is an extremely common fear and often produces defensiveness, feelings of physical tension, excessive crying, “freezing” or “shutting down” (due to the fight-or-flight response being activated), etc. It is therefore in the best interest to “take a break” until both partners are in as calm of an emotional state as possible to work toward a resolution. The communication techniques described in prior tips may be helpful in communicating the need for a “break” to your partner, or in appropriately receiving this need from your partner.
5. Establish work-related boundaries. Many of us are currently working from home and our professional and personal lives are therefore increasingly entangled. While there is a huge element of convenience in working from home, there is also significantly increased difficulty in creating a healthy and necessary separation of “work life” and “personal life.” Communicate your “work life” needs to your partner and work together to establish boundaries in order to minimize carrying work-related stress into your “personal life” or lengthening your work day. An example is a discussion in which a “blocked off” period of uninterrupted work time within one’s home office is established and agreed upon.
6. Establish or maintain relationships and interests separate from your partner. During the beginning stages of a relationship, couples often wish to “do everything together.” While this behavior is healthy in attachment-formation early in relationships, it becomes unhealthy if it is prolonged, especially among cohabitating partners. It is critical that each partner has friendships, family relationships, hobbies/interests, and/or regular activities separate from their partner. Examples include (safely!) having dinner with a friend while your partner covers the household responsibilities for the evening, independently participating in a special-interest class or activity, or simply independently taking a neighborhood stroll at lunch (again, safely!).
If you are finding these times particularly difficult, or if you find yourself struggling with any of the topics or techniques discussed in this article, it may be helpful to seek the services of a mental health professional.
-Sierra Shapiro, MS, LPC
Sierra Shapiro is a staff therapist at Marsh Psychology Group. You can reach her at sshapiro@marshpsychologygroup.com or 248-860-2024.