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There is a very old saying that says, “Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.” This is a warning to people to not act out in anger or resentment because you only end up harming yourself. Over time, these feelings of resentment can build until the individual develops feelings of depression or anxiety. […]
There is a very old saying that says, “Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.” This is a warning to people to not act out in anger or resentment because you only end up harming yourself. Over time, these feelings of resentment can build until the individual develops feelings of depression or anxiety.
While forgiving others who have hurt us isn’t always easy, in the end, it greatly benefits our mental health and overall well-being. To be clear, forgiving others does NOT mean you agree with or condor their poor behavior. And it doesn’t mean you are announcing that your feelings don’t matter. Forgiveness simply means letting go of the negative feelings that are holding you down and causing you prolonged distress.
Again, forgiving someone who has hurt you isn’t easy, but it will lead you to a sense of peace and joy. Here are some steps you can take to forgive others:
Process Your Pain
Have you really faced your pain and processed it? You’ll need to do this before you can let those feelings go. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings deeply and fully. Cry, yell, hit your pillow, do whatever it takes.
Forgive Yourself
It takes two to tango, as they say. While we can easily point to others and blame them for the breakup or ugly incident, the truth is, we were there also. We played some role. Even if it was to retaliate in the moment and to show our own ugliness. It’s time to forgive your own humanity and any wrongdoing to yourself or others.
Try to Understand
True forgiveness is impossible without a sense of understanding. You can try to forgive, claim you have forgiven, only to have those negative nagging feelings crop up again and again. When we try to understand why someone has acted the way they have, it can wipe out the negative feelings instantly, almost as if by magic.
A critical parent acts the way they act because they, too, were the victim of a critical parent. An overbearing boss is dealing with a personal tragedy at home. Our cheating spouse is self-sabotaging his or her life because they have incredibly low self-esteem and do not feel they deserve happiness. Life is complicated and human beings are even more so. Try and understand why someone has hurt you. You will be amazed at what this magical A-ha moment can do for you.
And if you’d like to speak to someone and get some guidance and much-needed perspective, please reach out to me.
SOURCES:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/complicated-love/202006/the-healing-power-forgiveness
https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/the-power-of-forgiveness
https://www.verywellmind.com/the-benefits-of-forgiveness-3144954
Have you ever thought about how your environment contributes to your mood? The relationships we maintain, communities we engage with, news we read about, and even workplace culture all influence emotional wellbeing. If we want to be better people, it’s our responsibility to surround ourselves with uplifting things and seek out resources—like therapy—when we need […]
Have you ever thought about how your environment contributes to your mood? The relationships we maintain, communities we engage with, news we read about, and even workplace culture all influence emotional wellbeing. If we want to be better people, it’s our responsibility to surround ourselves with uplifting things and seek out resources—like therapy—when we need them. In the end, our mental health is in our hands.
So, you aspire to be a happy, well-adjusted individual. Perhaps start here:
Surround yourself with what makes you feel good. Having supportive relationships protects against depression and anxiety, so that’s a good place to focus on. Friends and family provide encouragement during stressful times and give you people to lean on.
Address whatever causes unnecessary stress. A toxic workplace, strained family dynamics, or social isolation are all issues that can be solved. Perhaps spending too much time on social media is causing you to focus on negative things instead of what’s going well. Over time, these factors raise the risk of developing mental health disorders.
This won’t happen overnight, but try to:
Build supportive networks through friends, family, or community groups
Limit exposure to toxic environments when possible
Seek therapy if social stressors begin to feel overwhelming
By understanding the impact of your social environment, you can take proactive steps toward building a healthier life.
If you could use a little guidance as you work on your ideal environment, our team is always available! We provide individual therapy for a range of issues, including life transitions and personal growth. Book a session today to get personalized support.
Abuse in relationships often begins as a whisper before growing to a roar. Over time, control, fear, and emotional harm escalate, leaving individuals unsure if what they’re experiencing is abuse. If something feels wrong but you can’t quite name it, you may be experiencing a form of abuse. Recognizing the signs is a critical first […]
Abuse in relationships often begins as a whisper before growing to a roar. Over time, control, fear, and emotional harm escalate, leaving individuals unsure if what they’re experiencing is abuse. If something feels wrong but you can’t quite name it, you may be experiencing a form of abuse. Recognizing the signs is a critical first step toward protecting yourself. If you are not in immediate danger, relationship counseling may be in order; however, not every relationship can be saved.
Abuse doesn’t always involve physical violence. Emotional manipulation, threats, isolation, and financial control are also forms of abuse. It’s important to trust your instincts and pay attention to patterns that leave you feeling unsafe, diminished, or trapped. Six common signs of an abusive relationship include:
Constant criticism, belittling, or attempts to make you feel worthless
Isolation from family, friends, or support networks
Control over finances, schedules, or major decisions
Threats of harm to you, themselves, or loved ones
Unpredictable anger or emotional outbursts followed by blame
Gaslighting or denying your reality to make you question your sanity
If you see yourself in these patterns, know that you are not alone—and you deserve better. Relationship therapy, either by yourself or with your partner, can help you explore your experiences and determine a plan for moving forward. Reaching out may feel scary, but it is a powerful step toward reclaiming your independence and peace of mind.
We’re Here for You
Whether you’re still deciding what to do or ready to take action, therapy can give you the clarity, strength, and tools you need to move forward. Let us support you! Schedule a consultation today to explore therapy options at our practice, including relationship therapy, and don’t second-guess yourself any longer.
“I do.” Two simple enough words. And when you say them on your wedding day, you really mean them. But “I do” can quickly turn into, “I thought I could” when you don’t know exactly who or what you are committing to. Let’s face it, relationships are tricky and it’s important that you and your partner […]
“I do.” Two simple enough words. And when you say them on your wedding day, you really mean them. But “I do” can quickly turn into, “I thought I could” when you don’t know exactly who or what you are committing to.
Let’s face it, relationships are tricky and it’s important that you and your partner are 100% open and honest with one another before tying the knot. And that’s exactly why premarital counseling is so beneficial.
Premarital counseling helps couples identify and address potential areas of conflict before those issues have a chance to turn into serious problems. Couples also learn effective communication skills and conflict resolution strategies.
Here are some specific benefits of premarital counseling:
Learn More About Each Other
We always think we know our partner until they do or say something that surprises (and irks) us. Premarital counseling is an opportunity to get to know each other on a deeper, more intimate level.
Confront Challenges Head-On
Couples don’t always discuss potential areas of friction at the beginning. And then real life comes at them and arguments happen.
For instance, what do you do if you find out each one of you has a different opinion about how finances should be handled? If one of you wants to home school but the other wants your kid to go to public schools?
Premarital counseling offers couples a space to identify potential challenges head-on.
Make Plans for the Future
The brightest futures are the ones with the best-laid plans. Couples counseling can help you create a clear vision of what you want your future to be. A counselor can help you both discuss your individual goals and dreams and how you can combine these to create a future where both of you reach your potential as individuals, as a couple, and eventually as a family unit.
If you and your partner would be interested in exploring premarital counseling, please reach out to me. I’d be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.
SOURCES
No matter how independent you may be, it’s still important to build healthy relationships with your immediate and extended family members, friends, and coworkers. Research suggests that when we foster connections with those around us, it can: Improve our self-esteem Make us more cooperative, empathetic, and trusting Strengthen our immune systems Extend our lives Reduce […]
No matter how independent you may be, it’s still important to build healthy relationships with your immediate and extended family members, friends, and coworkers. Research suggests that when we foster connections with those around us, it can:
Different types of relationships require different approaches. For instance, you should likely treat your coworkers differently than your immediate family members. With that said, taking the following steps may help you to nurture positive relationships with many people in your life:
As noted above, it’s important to have healthy relationships in your life, so if you need help fostering connections, contact us today. We’ll gladly tell you more about our practice, answer your questions, and schedule a therapy session.
So, you’ve decided that it’s time to set some boundaries in your life. Good for you! Boundaries are essential to maintaining relationships with friends, family members, and coworkers, as they can help build trust and respect. Once you’ve decided what your boundaries are, the next step will be communicating them to those around you. Here […]
So, you’ve decided that it’s time to set some boundaries in your life. Good for you! Boundaries are essential to maintaining relationships with friends, family members, and coworkers, as they can help build trust and respect. Once you’ve decided what your boundaries are, the next step will be communicating them to those around you. Here are some tips for how to do so:
Setting and communicating boundaries can be difficult, but it’s a lot easier with the help of an experienced therapist. Fortunately, you can get the assistance you need from the caring team at our practice. We understand the intricacies of relationships between family members, friends, coworkers, and other acquaintances, and we’ll provide you with tailored advice on how to effectively set any necessary boundaries. Contact us today to schedule a therapy session at a date and time that’s convenient for you.
The importance of having positive friendships in your life cannot be overstated. Healthy friendships can help you feel happier and more self-confident, reduce your stress levels, and prevent you from feeling lonely or isolated. When times are good, friends can help you celebrate. And when times are bad, they can help pick you up and […]
The importance of having positive friendships in your life cannot be overstated. Healthy friendships can help you feel happier and more self-confident, reduce your stress levels, and prevent you from feeling lonely or isolated. When times are good, friends can help you celebrate. And when times are bad, they can help pick you up and provide a kind shoulder to lean on.
Unfortunately, for many adults, it can be tough to make new friends and even more difficult to ensure that those friendships enhance their lives. With that in mind, here are some tips for how to build healthy relationships with friends:
If you struggle to maintain positive friendships, you’ve come to the right place. We have extensive experience helping patients nurture healthy relationships with friends, and we’d love to do the same for you. Contact us today to schedule a therapy session.
Have you recently gone through a divorce, a broken engagement, or a breakup? The loss of a romantic relationship can be especially difficult because we spend so much time with our significant others, so a separation can impact many aspects of our lives and leave us feeling like our world has been turned upside down. […]
Have you recently gone through a divorce, a broken engagement, or a breakup? The loss of a romantic relationship can be especially difficult because we spend so much time with our significant others, so a separation can impact many aspects of our lives and leave us feeling like our world has been turned upside down. Not only do we have to cope with missing them, but we also have to deal with the hassles of splitting up any shared property and possibly finding a new home. Plus, we must accept that the dreams we had of a future with that person are no longer a possibility.
Fortunately, there are steps you can take to process your grief and move on from your relationship. For instance, you may want to try:
As difficult as it may seem, try to look at your breakup as an opportunity to rediscover yourself and the things that make you who you are. For example, if you’ve always loved baking but you didn’t get to bake as often as you wanted during your relationship, try purchasing a new cookbook or signing up for a local cake decorating class.
If you’re having a hard time coping with the loss of a marriage, engagement, or dating relationship, one of the best ways to process your grief is to speak to a therapist. Contact us today and we can tell you more about our practice, answer any questions you might have, and schedule a therapy session.
We all believe we know what narcissism looks like. After all, aren’t a majority of politicians and Hollywood A-listers narcissists, projecting their massive egos onto the world? While that may be true, narcissists come in all shapes and sizes. They walk among us, some of them obvious, and some of them covert. So […]
We all believe we know what narcissism looks like. After all, aren’t a majority of politicians and Hollywood A-listers narcissists, projecting their massive egos onto the world?
While that may be true, narcissists come in all shapes and sizes. They walk among us, some of them obvious, and some of them covert.
So how can you tell if you’re dealing with an actual narcissist or just someone who is a bit full of themself? Here are a handful of traits the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V) lists as characteristics that someone is a narcissist:
A Grandiose Sense of Self-Importance
Narcissists see themselves as incredibly essential to the success and happiness of other people. In their eyes, they believe they are capable of exceptionally high levels of achievement, whether they are or aren’t in reality.
They are Special or Unique
Narcissists believe they are so special and unique that few people can really understand them. Many will only want to spend time around high-status people.
A Need for Admiration
We all can admit it feels good to be appreciated and admired. But narcissists have an absolute need for admiration and a lot of it.
A Sense of Entitlement
Narcissists truly believe they are the exception to the rule. If there is a line of people waiting to be seated, a narcissist will cut that line because why should they of all people be forced to wait? If you’ve spent any amount of time around an actual narcissist, their entitlement can be shocking as it seems to know no bounds.
A Lack of Empathy
Narcissist simply cannot imagine how others feel. They are wired differently from non-narcissistic people. When you can’t empathize or feel what someone else is, it makes it incredibly easy to abuse those around you.
These are just some of the main traits of a narcissist. Needless to say, spending any amount of time in their presence can be a very toxic and taxing experience.
SOURCES:
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/14-signs-of-narcissism
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/202110/the-13-traits-narcissist
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder
Detachment When we hear the word detached, we might immediately think of the negative connotation – someone who is not engaged in their life or with the world around them, unfeeling and cold, cut off from their emotions and from others. None of that sounds particularly healthy. But learning to use detachment effectively and […]
When we hear the word detached, we might immediately think of the negative connotation – someone who is not engaged in their life or with the world around them, unfeeling and cold, cut off from their emotions and from others. None of that sounds particularly healthy. But learning to use detachment effectively and intentionally can bring about positive change.
There are infinite possibilities when it comes to situations in which detachment could be beneficial. Here are a few areas to consider:
Detachment from unhelpful thoughts
The mind is constantly doing its job – thinking. In fact, we experience 80-90,000 thoughts each day. We usually assume each of these thoughts is useful and true, but our thoughts are not facts. Often, what we think is not worth paying attention to at all.
For example, imagine you reach out to an old friend and are waiting to hear back. Your mind might start having unhelpful thoughts:
‘They probably don’t want to hear from me’
‘No one ever wants to be my friend’
‘I shouldn’t have contacted them after so long’
None of these thoughts are facts, nor are they helpful in the moment. If you allow them to continue as usual, it becomes easy to attach to them and start to believe them.
Learning to detach from our thoughts in the moment starts with being more aware of what is happening in our mind. Begin to recognize your thoughts and decide if they are helpful and truthful. If not, try observing them without putting any value on them. Try using the phrase ‘My thoughts are telling me ___’ before the thought. Remind yourself ‘that is just a thought and thoughts are not facts.’ Another strategy involves imagery. Imagine your thoughts coming and going, drifting in and out of your mind, like watching clouds drift across the sky. Meditation is also an effective way to practice detachment from thoughts because it teaches us to stop paying attention to our thoughts in the moment.
Detachment from an outcome
When we care about something, attachment is natural. If you interview for your dream job, you will likely experience strong emotions about it and focus your thoughts on how much you want the job. The more we care about something, the more we want to control the outcome. So, it can feel counterintuitive to work on detaching in these situations. While attachment is natural, it is not always helpful, because we cannot control what happens. When we try to control, or make something happen, we will inevitably face resistance when things do not work out as we hoped. Resistance makes things more difficult. If you do not get the job offer and you were attached to the idea, you will likely have a much more difficult time accepting the outcome. Using detachment, we can acknowledge how we are feeling (how desperately we want the job), while also letting go of the desire to control the outcome. This involves an intention to trust that we can handle whatever outcome we face. Focusing on trusting ourselves to cope with the things we cannot control allows us to let go of unhelpful attachment to outcome.
Detachment from a difficult situation as it is happening
What can we do when we are in the middle of a situation and our thoughts and emotions are interfering with our ability tomake sound decisions? You guessed it- detach. For example, if we are in an argument with our spouse, we will likely feel triggered in some way. Maybe our body is in fight or flight, maybe we feel anger and want to lash out, or want to shut down and give the silent treatment.
If we act on any of these impulses, we are not acting in a way that is beneficial to ourselves or the relationship. Detaching from the situation can give us time to calm our nervous system and get centered, to process our emotions, and consider how we want to respond. Communicating the need to detach and takingtime alone to reflect before continuing a discussion can lead to a much better outcome.
Detachment from codependent patterns
Many of us find ourselves in codependent patterns in our relationships. Codependency causes us to be more focused on the needs of others than on ourselves, and underneath this we believe we can control the problem (or person) – and need to in order to be safe. This is often the case in relationships with someone who has an addiction or other mental illness. When our loved one is engaging in behavior that is harmful, we want to be able to stop the behavior, and try to control it as a result. This can take on many forms, including obsessing about it, worrying, monitoring/managing the other person, changing our own behavior, and ignoring our own needs.
One of the easiest ways to step out of this pattern is through practicing detachment: shifting our beliefs to accept we cannot control another person, and it is not our job to try. The addiction recovery field has been teaching the concept of ‘detaching with love’ for decades (Beattie, 1992).
We can begin to accept the premise of detachment by learning to focus on our own needs. When you find yourself focused on the other person: – their behavior, emotions, or needs – bring focus back to yourself. Ask yourself ‘What am I feeling and why?What do I need most right now?’ Then, do something to take care of yourself based on those needs.
As with most change, this will likely feel uncomfortable at first. With practice, detaching with love and focusing on yourself will become easier.
Learning to detach with intention and purpose is a process that takes time. A trained mental health professional can provide support and guidance for adopting these concepts in a way that benefits you as an individual.
-Laura Gross, LMSW
Laura Gross is a Clinical Therapist with Marsh Psychology Group
You can contact her at:
lgross@marshpsychologygroup.com
Beattie, M. (1992). Codependent No More. Center City, Minnesota: Hazelden.