Detachment

 

When we hear the word detached, we might immediately think of the negative connotation – someone who is not engaged in their life or with the world around them, unfeeling and cold, cut off from their emotions and from others. None of that sounds particularly healthy. But learning to use detachment effectively and intentionally can bring about positive change.

 

There are infinite possibilities when it comes to situations in which detachment could be beneficial. Here are a few areas to consider:

 

Detachment from unhelpful thoughts

The mind is constantly doing its job – thinking. In fact, we experience 80-90,000 thoughts each day. We usually assume each of these thoughts is useful and true, but our thoughts are not facts. Often, what we think is not worth paying attention to at all.

For example, imagine you reach out to an old friend and are waiting to hear back. Your mind might start having unhelpful thoughts:

‘They probably don’t want to hear from me’

‘No one ever wants to be my friend’

‘I shouldn’t have contacted them after so long’

None of these thoughts are facts, nor are they helpful in the moment. If you allow them to continue as usual, it becomes easy to attach to them and start to believe them.

Learning to detach from our thoughts in the moment starts with being more aware of what is happening in our mind. Begin to recognize your thoughts and decide if they are helpful and truthful. If not, try observing them without putting any value on them. Try using the phrase ‘My thoughts are telling me ___’ before the thought. Remind yourself ‘that is just a thought and thoughts are not facts.’ Another strategy involves imagery. Imagine your thoughts coming and going, drifting in and out of your mind, like watching clouds drift across the sky. Meditation is also an effective way to practice detachment from thoughts because it teaches us to stop paying attention to our thoughts in the moment.

 

Detachment from an outcome

When we care about something, attachment is natural. If you interview for your dream job, you will likely experience strong emotions about it and focus your thoughts on how much you want the job. The more we care about something, the more we want to control the outcome. So, it can feel counterintuitive to work on detaching in these situations. While attachment is natural, it is not always helpful, because we cannot control what happens. When we try to control, or make something happen, we will inevitably face resistance when things do not work out as we hoped. Resistance makes things more difficult. If you do not get the job offer and you were attached to the idea, you will likely have a much more difficult time accepting the outcome. Using detachment, we can acknowledge how we are feeling (how desperately we want the job), while also letting go of the desire to control the outcome. This involves an intention to trust that we can handle whatever outcome we face. Focusing on trusting ourselves to cope with the things we cannot control allows us to let go of unhelpful attachment to outcome.

 

Detachment from a difficult situation as it is happening

What can we do when we are in the middle of a situation and our thoughts and emotions are interfering with our ability tomake sound decisions? You guessed it- detach. For example, if we are in an argument with our spouse, we will likely feel triggered in some way. Maybe our body is in fight or flight, maybe we feel anger and want to lash out, or want to shut down and give the silent treatment.

If we act on any of these impulses, we are not acting in a way that is beneficial to ourselves or the relationship. Detaching from the situation can give us time to calm our nervous system and get centered, to process our emotions, and consider how we want to respond. Communicating the need to detach and takingtime alone to reflect before continuing a discussion can lead to a much better outcome.

 

Detachment from codependent patterns

Many of us find ourselves in codependent patterns in our relationships. Codependency causes us to be more focused on the needs of others than on ourselves, and underneath this we believe we can control the problem (or person) – and need to in order to be safe. This is often the case in relationships with someone who has an addiction or other mental illness. When our loved one is engaging in behavior that is harmful, we want to be able to stop the behavior, and try to control it as a result. This can take on many forms, including obsessing about it, worrying, monitoring/managing the other person, changing our own behavior, and ignoring our own needs.

One of the easiest ways to step out of this pattern is through practicing detachment: shifting our beliefs to accept we cannot control another person, and it is not our job to try. The addiction recovery field has been teaching the concept of ‘detaching with love’ for decades (Beattie, 1992).

We can begin to accept the premise of detachment by learning to focus on our own needs. When you find yourself focused on the other person: – their behavior, emotions, or needs – bring focus back to yourself. Ask yourself ‘What am I feeling and why?What do I need most right now?’ Then, do something to take care of yourself based on those needs.

As with most change, this will likely feel uncomfortable at first. With practice, detaching with love and focusing on yourself will become easier.

 

Learning to detach with intention and purpose is a process that takes time. A trained mental health professional can provide support and guidance for adopting these concepts in a way that benefits you as an individual.

 

-Laura Gross, LMSW

Laura Gross is a Clinical Therapist with Marsh Psychology Group

You can contact her at:

(248)860-2024

lgross@marshpsychologygroup.com

Beattie, M. (1992). Codependent No More. Center City, Minnesota: Hazelden.