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Tips for Parents/Guardians: Dealing with a “Difficult” Teenager Many parents/guardians of a teenage child find this complex period of development confusing, highly stressful, and even exhausting. Due to your teenage child’s significant changes in brain structure, hormonal regulation, and increased exposure to peer influence and media suggestion, this period is often extremely difficult to navigate […]
Tips for Parents/Guardians: Dealing with a “Difficult” Teenager
Many parents/guardians of a teenage child find this complex period of development confusing, highly stressful, and even exhausting. Due to your teenage child’s significant changes in brain structure, hormonal regulation, and increased exposure to peer influence and media suggestion, this period is often extremely difficult to navigate for both the parent(s)/guardian(s) and the teenage child experiencing these changes.
Below are some tips that may assist you in guiding your teenager through this often-difficult developmental period, while minimizing your personal stress in the process:
1. Don’t take it personally. Autonomy-seeking is a normal and necessary part of brain development during adolescence; therefore, resistance to structure and rules is a normal and overwhelmingly common behavior in adolescence. It is also important to remember that your teenage child does not yet have the vocabulary or emotional regulatory skills to appropriately communicate their feelings. For example, a frustrated adolescent may yell, “You’re the worst parent ever!” to simply convey feelings of annoyance or frustration. With this in mind, it can be easier to remain objective and not allow your own negative emotions to control your reaction when addressing problematic behaviors from your teenage child.
2. Be willing to compromise. Many parents/guardians have difficulty with this due to fear of losing control within the parent-child dynamic and/or “giving in” to the child. If you find yourself resisting compromise with your teenager, I invite you to ask yourself this question: “Do I want to be right and spend six hours arguing with an angry 14-year-old, or do I want to compromise and have a calmer and more relaxing evening?” If you choose the latter, brainstorm options either alone or with your partner (if applicable) and present them to your teenage child. This allows your teenage child to exercise autonomy while you as the parent/guardian maintain overall authority within the parent-child dynamic. For example, “You cannot stay out past your curfew on a school night to go to out with friends; so, you can either extend your curfew by half-an-hour this Saturday, or I will pick you up this evening instead of you being driven home by friends so you are home by your curfew.”
3. Validate your teen’s feelings and experiences. “Teenage drama” may seem extremely minor and/or silly to you, but peer-related events that happen during this critical developmental period are extremely important to your teenage child. Your child’s ability to navigate these situations in a healthy way is critical to their psychological development. Validating your teenager’s feelings and providing authentic support and guidance through difficult situations they will face is extremely beneficial to their overall emotional wellbeing.
4. Monitor your own behaviors. Unfortunately, “Do as I say and not as I do” is not an effective strategy at promoting positive behavioral changes. As humans, our primary
learning strategy is through mimicking the behaviors we are most frequently exposed to, and, in most cases, this is through a child’s parent(s)/guardian(s). It is therefore critical for you to examine your own behaviors if they are similar to ones you wish for your child to change. For example, if you swear often but wish for your child to stop this behavior, the most effective strategy is to attempt to control this behavior in front of your child (as opposed to continuing to swear in front of your child but then disciplining the child for mimicking this behavior).
5. Create clear structure and boundaries for your teenage child. Remember that during this period of development, your adolescent’s primary goal is autonomy and separation from their caregivers; therefore, they do not yet have the ability to create structure and boundaries for themselves and they rely on fully emotionally-developed adults to create this for them. Remember that resistance from your adolescent to this is completely normal and expected, and the tips mentioned above can assist you in addressing this resistance and successfully creating structure and household regulations (or enforcing established ones).
6. Be realistic in your expectations. Adolescents do not have a fully-developed brain during this period of development. Until your teenage child reaches their mid-twenties, the part of their brain responsible for time management, impulse control, and appropriate judgment (i.e., the frontal lobe) is not yet fully developed. This is in no way meant to “make excuses” for your teenage child if they are exhibiting problematic behaviors; however, it is important to keep this limitation in mind when you and/or your partner (if applicable) attempt to formulate realistic expectations and household regulations for your adolescent.
7. Check in regularly with your adolescent. This period of development is difficult for parents/guardians because it is extremely difficult for the adolescent experiencing it. Your adolescent is experiencing extremely strong emotions with a highly limited ability to regulate these internally. This can be an extremely intense experience for many adolescents and it is important that you make yourself available to them as a known primary support figure, even if they do not always choose to take you up on it.
If you are finding the above techniques particularly difficult to implement, or your adolescent is experiencing significant emotional distress during this period of development, it may be helpful to seek the services of a mental health professional to assist and support you and/or your teenage child during this process.
-Sierra Shapiro, MS, LPC, is a staff psychotherapist at Marsh Psychology Group. She can be reached at 248-860-2024 or at sshapiro@marshpsychologygroup.com.
Cognitive Distortions, irrational thoughts and how they fuel anxiety, depression and relationship problems.
As we grow up we develop thought patterns, or ways to synthesis information, to make sense of the world. Unfortunately, this can lead to cognitive distortion, or ways we twist information (mental gymnastics) to fit into these preferred ways of thinking. This results can lead to depression, anxiety, and relationship issues.
Common Cognitive Distortions
Cognitive distortions happen automatically – we don’t mean to think inaccurately – but unless we learn to notice them, they can have powerful yet invisible effects upon our moods and our lives. Most of us have used cognitive distortions at one point or another. To avoid negative feelings caused by these thinking errors, it is important that we learn to identify and modify or correct these faulty patterns of thinking.
The term, “cognitive distortions” is used to describe irrational, inflated thoughts or beliefs that distort a person’s perception of reality, usually in a negative way.
Cognitive distortions can take a serious toll on one’s mental health, leading to increased stress, depression, and anxiety
The terms below were conceptualized by Dr. David Burns. Much of his work is based on Dr. Aaron Beck’s research who was the first to reveal the potential impacts of distorted thinking.
Filtering
A person engaging in filter (or “mental filtering) takes the negative details and magnifies
those details while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. For instance, a person may pick out a single, unpleasant detail and dwell on it exclusively so that their vision of reality becomes darkened or distorted. When a cognitive filter is applied, the person sees only the negative and ignores anything positive.
Polarized Thinking (or “Black and White” Thinking)
In polarized thinking, things are either “black-or-white” — all or nothing. We must be perfect or we are a complete and abject failure — there is no middle ground. A person with polarized thinking places people or situations in “either/or” categories, with no shades of gray or allowing for the complexity of most people and most situations.
Overgeneralization
In this cognitive distortion, a person comes to a general conclusion based on a single incident or a single piece of evidence. If something bad happens just once, they expect it to happen repeatedly.
Catastrophizing
When a person engages in catastrophizing, they expect disaster to strike, no matter what. This is also referred to as magnifying, and can also come out in its opposite behavior, minimizing. In this distortion, a person hears about a problem and uses what if questions (e.g., “What if tragedy strikes?” “What if it happens to me?”) to imagine the absolute worst occurring.
Personalization
Personalization is a distortion where a person believes that everything others do or say is direct, personal reaction to them. They literally take virtually everything personally, even when something is not meant in that way.
Blaming
When a person engages in blaming, they hold other people responsible for their emotional pain. They may also take the opposite track and instead blame themselves for every problem — even those clearly outside their own control.
SHOULD STATEMENTS
Thoughts that include “should,” “ought,” or “must” are almost always related to a cognitive distortion. For example: “I should have arrived at the meeting earlier,” or, “I must lose weight to be more attractive.” This type of thinking may induce feelings of guilt or shame.
Here are some ways to begin challenging cognitive distortions.
1.Identify Our Cognitive Distortion: We need to create a list of our troublesome thoughts and examine them later for matches with a list of cognitive distortions. An examination of our cognitive distortions allows us to see which distortions we prefer. Additionally, this process will allow us to think about our problem or predicament in more natural and realistic ways.
Here are some questions to ask yourself if you think you might be engaging in cognitive distortions.
Am I confusing a thought with a fact?
Am I jumping to conclusions?
Am I assuming my view of things is the only one possible?
What are the advantages and disadvantages of thinking this way?
Am I thinking in all-or-nothing terms?
Am I condemning myself as a total person based on a single event?
Am I concentrating on my weakness and forgetting my strengths?
Am I taking something personally which has little or nothing to do with me?
Am I expecting myself to be perfect?
Am I assuming I can do nothing to change my situation?
If you feel that one or more of the above cognitive distortions are contributing to feelings of anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues, consider finding a qualified therapist you trust who can help transform your negative thoughts and beliefs into empowering, realistic thoughts that inspire and uplift you.
Carol Van Kampen, LMSW
Carol Van Kampen, LMSW is an individual private practice psychotherapist who specializes in anxiety, depression, grief, and trauma treatment at Marsh Psychology Group. Carol is EMDR trained. Contact her at marshpsychologygroup.com
cvankampen@marshpsychologygroup.com
https://marshpsychologygroup.com/carol-van-kampen-lmsw/
What To Do About COVID Fatigue In the early stages of the pandemic, people met up on zoom cocktail hours, took online classes, talked about the bread they were baking. When summer and nicer weather hit, I could barely drive through my neighborhood there were so many people outside walking. As the holidays neared and […]
What To Do About COVID Fatigue
In the early stages of the pandemic, people met up on zoom cocktail hours, took online classes, talked about the bread they were baking. When summer and nicer weather hit, I could barely drive through my neighborhood there were so many people outside walking. As the holidays neared and passed, people were focused on how to spend their first COVID Christmas without extended family. After New Year’s, with colder weather and shorter days, it’s possibly felt more difficult to get through the days.
Getting easily frustrated or irritated with people, feeling like you want to cry, or just feeling numb, along with physical ailments like headaches, stomachaches, difficulty sleeping or concentrating, can be signs of long-term stress, in this case, the stress of COVID fatigue. It’s been nearly 11 months since the pandemic started, along with the various stages of shut downs we’ve been in. We’ve not been able to see family, friends, or even go to stores like we used to. So what can we do right now to combat COVID fatigue?
MOVE – walking outside (even when it’s frigid) can do wonders for your perspective. If you don’t want to be in the cold, put on some music and dance or find a yoga video on YouTube. Moving your body helps improve your mood and can make you feel like you’re in control of something.
GRATITUDE – it may not feel like we have a lot to be grateful for, but even if you can pause over your first cup of coffee in the morning and really be thankful that it’s there, that can help start your day off right. Finding little things throughout your day to be grateful for can help get you out of your funk.
CENSOR – be careful what you’re watching and listening to. If you’re overwhelmed by the pandemic, stay away from the news. Find uplifting movies or podcasts to spend your time on.
CONNECT – it might be hard to consider another way to look at the screen, but joining online groups where you feel supported, or reaching out to family and friends, can remind you that you are not alone.
TALK – if you feel like none of the above helps and you’re not sure what to do, look for a trained mental health specialist that you can talk to. We all need extra support at different times of our lives and many therapists are meeting virtually to accommodate clients.
Although we are all in this pandemic together, it has affected each of us differently. While there seems to be hope for a more normal future, don’t wait to try out ways to help you feel better now.
Julie Lublin, MA, LPC
Julie Lublin is a staff therapist at Marsh Psychology Group. She can be reached at jlublin@marshpsychologygroup.com or 248-860-2024.
People – Pleasing How the need to please others is actually ruining your relationships As adults, we are often acting out damaging messages we received in childhood without even realizing what is driving our behavior. One of these common behavior patterns is people-pleasing. It might be difficult to spot, because on the surface […]
People – Pleasing
How the need to please others is actually ruining your relationships
As adults, we are often acting out damaging messages we received in childhood without even realizing what is driving our behavior. One of these common behavior patterns is people-pleasing. It might be difficult to spot, because on the surface it looks like being agreeable, helpful, and available. Things we are taught are good, and traits we might use to describe a ‘nice person.’
But look a little deeper, and you might find an unhealthy pattern of ignoring and denying your own feelings and needs out of fear. If you are afraid of how others will perceive you, or afraid of what will happen if you say ‘no’ or disappoint someone, you might do whatever it takes to try to please them. People-pleasing is a way to try to control others and how they see you. This becomes damaging when it prevents you from being authentic and acknowledging your own needs.
From this article in Psychology Today, here are 10 signs of People-Pleasing behavior:
Over time, if we repeatedly ignore our own feelings and needs by focusing on what we think other people want from us, we can end up feeling resentful, used, unfulfilled, and emotionally depleted in relationships. People-pleasing involves some level of dishonesty, because we are not being open and authentic about our own needs. We will end up feeling disconnected, and our relationships will remain superficial because we are not connecting in an honest way.
To develop healthier, more authentic connections with others, we must work on becoming more aware of our own needs. This involves slowing down our reactions and acknowledging how we actually feel about things, instead of automatically agreeing. We can then begin to believe our feelings are valid and we are safe in expressing our needs to others, which allows us to hold healthier boundaries and make decisions based on what is best for ourselves.
Because a pattern of behavior like people-pleasing takes time to develop, the process of ‘un-learning’ it takes time as well. This process is often best navigated with the help of a Licensed Mental Health Professional who can provide guidance and support.
Laura Gross, LMSW
Marsh Psychology Group
248-860-2024
lgross@marshpsychologygroup.com
If you’re like most people, you brought in the new year with a list of resolutions. And if you’re like most people, all of those resolutions have one goal: to better your life in some way. Whether that is through eating right, working out, learning a new language or decluttering your home office, resolutions are […]
If you’re like most people, you brought in the new year with a list of resolutions. And if you’re like most people, all of those resolutions have one goal: to better your life in some way. Whether that is through eating right, working out, learning a new language or decluttering your home office, resolutions are made to help us live our best lives.
In all of these instances (health, weight loss, decluttering) therapy can help.
You see, most people believe mental health therapy is something you seek when there is a major crisis; when we need help navigating depression or anxiety; when we’re going through a big transition, or when our marriage is on the verge of collapse.
And while therapy can absolutely help with all of these scenarios, it offers numerous benefits you may not have thought of:
Different therapy protocols have been shown to improve different physical symptoms associated with stress. This includes a reduction in migraines, digestive upset, better appetite and improved sleep.
Many of us think we are running our lives when really, our lives are being run by subconscious programming from early childhood. Therapy helps clients understand where feelings, beliefs and behaviors really come from. Through treatment, individuals can become more self-aware and empowered to take responsibility for the lives they are creating. In this way, THEY create their lives instead of their lives being something that is happening TO them.
Of course, self-awareness also means becoming aware of your passions and desires. Many people spend a majority of their life doing what others want instead of what THEY want. And many people simply don’t KNOW what they want in life.
Therapy can help you become an archeologist of sorts, digging into your heart, mind and soul to uncover what it is you value, love, desire, need and want.
It’s the new year and we all have new goals that we are hoping to reach. Well, therapy can help you reach those goals!
A trained therapist can help you set achievable goals as well as help you outline the micro steps you’ll need to take to get there. They can also then act as coach and cheerleader, supporting your efforts to reach your goals.
Yes, therapy is something that you can turn to for depression, addiction, and help with your crumbling relationships. But therapy can help with so much more. If you’d like to explore treatment options in the new year, please get in touch with me.
SOURCES:
Tips for Providing Positive Support to LGBTQ+ Individuals The LGBTQ+ community comprises approximately 4.5 percent of the general population of the United States. Individuals identifying as LGBTQ+ are significantly more likely to have experienced exclusion, alienation, and even blatant discriminatory behaviors within social, academic, and work settings than individuals not identifying as LGBTQ+. Many non-LGBTQ+ […]
Tips for Providing Positive Support to LGBTQ+ Individuals
The LGBTQ+ community comprises approximately 4.5 percent of the general population of the United States. Individuals identifying as LGBTQ+ are significantly more likely to have experienced exclusion, alienation, and even blatant discriminatory behaviors within social, academic, and work settings than individuals not identifying as LGBTQ+. Many non-LGBTQ+ individuals therefore wish to learn specific techniques and develop a better understanding of queer terminology to assist in increasing the comfort level of their LGBTQ+ friends, acquaintances, and/or colleagues. Below are some suggestions of how to provide support and increase the overall comfort level of LGBTQ+ individuals:
1. Do not automatically assume a person is heterosexual. For example, if you meet someone and they inform you they are in a relationship, do not assume their partner is of the opposite gender. Assuming a person is heterosexual forces them to correct you or even omit the truth, potentially making both of you uncomfortable. Attempt to make conversations as neutral as possible in terms of gender identity and sexual orientation.
2. Do not assume a person identifies as “male” or “female.” Do not assume that because someone appears to express themselves in a manner you define as “male” or “female” that they identify as such. Terms such as “non-binary” (i.e., identifying and/or having the experience of a gender that is not exclusively “male” or “female”) are increasingly embraced by individuals feeling as though “one-size-fits-all” descriptors of gender expression are oversimplified and inaccurate. Many individuals identifying as non-binary prefer to be addressed as “they/them.”
3. State your preferred pronouns. To minimize discomfort for queer individuals in making their preferred pronouns known, it can be helpful to develop a habit of stating your preferred pronouns as part of the introductory process. For example, “My name is Sierra, and my preferred pronouns are she/her/hers.”
4. If you are confused, respectfully ask for clarification. If a concept is unfamiliar to you, there is nothing wrong with appropriately and respectfully asking for clarification when it involves increasing the comfort level of those around you. For example, “I want to make sure I’m addressing you correctly; will you please remind me of your preferred pronouns?” Many cisgendered (i.e., those whose gender identity corresponds with their assigned birth sex) and/or heterosexual individuals fear asking queer individuals for clarification and simply avoid interaction with them altogether to minimize their own discomfort, which may inadvertently exclude and/or cause queer individuals to feel alienated.
5. If you make an honest mistake, do not panic. Regardless of our gender expression, gender identity, and sexual orientation, we are all human and we all make mistakes. If you accidentally misgender someone or accidentally assume someone is heterosexual, apologize sincerely and inform the individual that you will be mindful of your language in the future. Emphasize to them that you are in the process of learning this terminology to help to increase their level of comfort, as well as the comfort level of the queer community as a whole.
6. Do not dismiss these concepts as a “phase” or “fad.” One of the biggest misconceptions about the aforementioned terminology is that more recently utilized terms are simply a societal fad and are therefore unimportant to learn and implement regularly. This idea is simply untrue. Non-binary and non-heterosexual identities and orientations have been documented for centuries across numerous cultures around the globe, and society is finally more regularly implementing the terminology to correspond with these identities and experiences. While terminology may evolve with time (as does any terminology), these identities and experiences have existed for centuries, and will continue to do so; therefore, it is important for the comfort level of those around you to familiarize yourself with this terminology.
7. Get involved. There are many activism organizations in which you can express support for LGBTQ+ individuals and/or work to assist in efforts to minimize discriminatory measures against LGBTQ+ individuals. Involvement in one or more of these organizations can greatly assist LGBTQ+ individuals on a broader scale.
If you are an LGBTQ+ individual experiencing discomfort or difficulty regarding any of the aforementioned topics, it may be helpful to seek the services of a mental health professional specializing in issues specific to members of the LGBTQ+ community and/or identifying as an LGBTQ+ ally.
-Sierra Shapiro, MS, LPC
Sierra Shapiro is a staff psychotherapist at Marsh Psychology Group. You can contact her at 248-860-2024 or sshapiro@marshpscyhologygroup.com .
How You Can Heal from Developmental Trauma:
Developmental Trauma is a term used to describe childhood trauma, such as chronic abuse, neglect or other harsh adversity which occurred in the home. When a child is exposed to overwhelming stress, and their caregiver does not help reduce this stress, or is the cause of the stress, the child experiences developmental trauma. Children then becomes at risk for a host of complex emotional, cognitive, and physical illnesses that can last throughout their adult lives.
Developmental traumas are also called Adverse Childhood Experiences. (ACEs). ACEs can be Abuse, Neglect or household dysfunction.
ACE’s can include having a parent with mental illness or substance abuse, losing a parent due to divorce, abandonment or incarceration, witnessing domestic violence, not feeling loved or not feeling close to family members, not having enough food or clean clothing, as well as direct verbal, physical or sexual abuse.— ACEs can harm developing brains, predisposing people to autoimmune disease, heart disease, cancer, depression, and a number of other chronic conditions;decades after the trauma took place.
In the famous study known as the Adverse Childhood Events (ACE) study, adults who experienced a higher number of adverse experiences were found to have much higher rates of serious physical health outcomes, high-risk health behaviors, and early illness and mortality.These outcomes can include, lack of physical activity, smoking, alcoholism, drug use, missed work, obesity, depression, diabetes, suicide attempts, STD’s, heart disease, stroke and more.
Knowledge is Power. Once you understand that your body and brain have been harmed by the biological impact of early emotional trauma, you can begin to take the necessary, steps to reduce the effects of the early adversity left on your neurobiology. You can begin to heal. You can reduce the increased chance of inflammation, depression, addiction, physical pain, and disease. Science tells us that biology does not have to be destiny. ACEs are part of our past, but the effects of our trauma does not have to dictate our present. We can rewire our brains. Even if we have been set on high reactive mode for decades, we can still lower our risks. We can respond to life’s inevitable stressors more appropriately and shift away from an overactive inflammatory response.
Here are some steps to take to start the healing process: There is no better time to begin your transformation.
Take the ACE questionnaire.
The single most important step you can take toward healing and transformation is to fill out the ACE questionnaire and share your results with your health-care practitioner. For many people, taking the 10-question survey helps to normalize the conversation about adverse childhood experiences.
Begin Writing to Heal.
Write down your story of childhood adversity, using a technique psychologists call “writing to heal”. Over a four day period, write down your deepest emotions and thoughts about the emotional challenges that have been influencing your life the most. In your writing, let go, and explore these events and how they have affected you. You might tie this experience to your childhood, your relationship with your parents, people you have loved or love now. Write continuously for twenty minutes a day. The exercise of writing about your emotions and thoughts has been proven to have positive effects on health.
Practice mindfulness meditation
Research indicates that individuals who have practiced mindfulness meditation and mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) show an increase in gray matter in the same parts of the brain that are damaged by adverse childhood experiences.
Choose a time every day to focus on your breath. Learn diaphragmatic breathing and grounding techniques. Your breath is the best natural calming treatment—and it has no side effects.
Yoga
When children face ACEs, they often store decades of physical tension from a fight, flight, or freeze state of mind in their bodies. Studies show that yoga decreases blood flow to the amygdala, the brain’s alarm center, and increases blood flow to the frontal lobe and prefrontal cortex, which help us to react to stressors in healthier ways. Yoga has also increase levels of GABA—or gamma-aminobutyric acid—a chemical that improves brain function, promotes calm, and helps to protect us against depression and anxiety.
Build Social Connections
Research has found that having strong social ties improves outcomes for men and women with cancer, autoimmune disorders, or other chronic diseases. This is because positive interactions with others boost our production of oxytocin, a “feel-good” hormone that dials down the inflammatory stress response
EMDR Therapy
Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) is a form of psychotherapy that helps individuals remember difficult experiences safely and relate to those memories in ways that no longer cause pain in the present. EMDR therapists help patients to trigger memories and the connected emotions and beliefs. As the patient recalls specific difficult experiences, they are asked to complete eye movements with the therapists help. These eye movements are similar tothe healing action of REM sleep.
EMDR creates a neurobiological state that helps the brain change neural connections that have been dysregulated by chronic, unpredictable stress and past experiences-often ACE’s. This change can lead to a reduction of the traumatic memories we store in the brain and calm the brains alarm center.
Therapy
Sometimes, the long-lasting effects of childhood trauma are just too great to tackle on our own.Part of the power of therapy lies in allowing ourselves to finally form an attachment to a safe person. A therapist’s unconditional acceptance helps us to change the circuits in our brain that tell us that we cannot trust anyone. With this change, we can begin to grow new, healthier neural connections and begin to heal.
Carol Van Kampen, LMSW
Carol Van Kampen, LMSW is an individual private practice psychotherapist who specializes in anxiety, depression, grief, and trauma treatment at Marsh Psychology Group. Carol is EMDR trained. Contact her at marshpsychologygroup.com
cvankampen@marshpsychologygroup.com
https://marshpsychologygroup.com/carol-van-kampen-lmsw/
Sources: 8 ways people recover from post childhood adversity syndrome; Donna Jackson Nakazaw
What is Developmental Trauma / ACE’s- Portico, Canada’s mental health and addiction network
Anxiety and the Avoidance Trap Avoidance is a common behavior associated with anxiety. For example, if someone has social anxiety, they might avoid attending social gatherings where they would be expected to interact with a lot of people. This avoidance feels like a relief initially because the threat of experiencing uncomfortable symptoms goes away. While […]
Anxiety and the Avoidance Trap
Avoidance is a common behavior associated with anxiety. For example, if someone has social anxiety, they might avoid attending social gatherings where they would be expected to interact with a lot of people. This avoidance feels like a relief initially because the threat of experiencing uncomfortable symptoms goes away. While it makes logical sense in the moment, avoidance makes anxiety worse over time.
Every time this person says ‘no’ to a social gathering, they are enforcing the idea they cannot handle the experience and need to avoid it to be safe. As they lose confidence in their ability to tolerate discomfort, they will be more likely to avoid it again the next time. What starts with large gatherings could develop into avoiding other situations. Over time, their life becomes increasingly limited.
If avoidance is not the answer, how do we best address anxiety around specific triggers? The answer is the opposite of avoidance: exposure. Find ways to begin to tolerate anxiety-causing situations, and the uncomfortable feelings that result, by developing coping skills. Start slowly with something just outside of your comfort zone to begin to build confidence and tolerance, and work toward addressing larger triggers.
Depending on the severity of one’s anxiety and the extent of avoidance, exposure can be extremely difficult to do without help. Working with a mental health professional can provide the support and guidance needed to face anxiety and overcome the avoidance cycle.
-Laura Gross, LMSW
Laura Gross is a fully licensed clinical therapist with Marsh Psychology Group. Contact her at:
lgross@marshpsychologygroup.com
Marsh Psychology Group: 248-860-2024
“Imposter Syndrome” in the Workplace
“Imposter Syndrome,” while not a diagnosable condition within the mental health community, is a widely-experienced phenomenon within the professional world in which a person feels a chronic sense of inadequacy and/or as if they are not truly qualified for their respective position (despite the person’s actual qualifications). “Imposter Syndrome” can be present among any demographic group; however, it is a mindset most commonly experienced among women and minority groups.
“Imposter Syndrome” can be displayed in a number of ways within the work environment, including seeking constant reassurance about one’s job performance, difficulty “speaking up” during staff meetings, “overachieving” behaviors, perfectionistic tendencies, working significantly longer hours than required or expected of one’s position, attendance issues (typically due to early “burn out” and/or workplace anxiety), and even mannerisms perceived as “arrogant” by coworkers (typically as a compensatory measure).
If feelings and/or behaviors caused by “Imposter Syndrome” are left unaddressed, these experienced negative feelings will only worsen, potentially leading to extreme job dissatisfaction, decreased self-esteem, depressive- and/or anxiety-related symptoms, and even quitting or being terminated from one’s place of employment.
Therefore, if you recognize “Imposter Syndrome” tendencies within your own workplace behaviors, here are some strategies that may assist you:
1. Objectively evaluate your work performance. Are you completing the tasks expected of you in a satisfactory and timely manner? Is your attendance satisfactory? What are your strengths and areas that challenge you? What are ways in which you wish to grow and advance in your career? Provide yourself with objective feedback in these areas on a regular basis. Implementing self-calming techniques, such as deep breathing, will assist in your ability to remain objective.
2. Practice compassionate yet constructive self-talk. Provide yourself with regular positive reinforcement regarding your work performance. In identifying areas of your job in which you are struggling, brainstorm constructive and realistic strategies to improve your performance (seeking feedback from others if needed). An example of compassionate yet constructive self-talk is as follows: “I did a great job stepping out of my comfort zone and taking a leadership role on this project; next time, I will keep my notes available so I am able to communicate my thoughts more clearly.”
3. Remind yourself that YOU were hired for this position. Unless you blatantly misrepresented yourself throughout the hiring process, your employer hired YOU based on your education, credentials, experience, personality traits, and/or other qualities deeming you capable of being successful in your current position. Provide yourself with daily reminders of your capability through positive self-talk and through objective evidence. For example, “Based on my education, experience, and leadership abilities, I
am capable of doing this job, and I deserve my position.” Many people find it helpful to write these daily reminders in a journal.
4. Seek support from others. As stated earlier, “Imposter Syndrome” is most commonly experienced among women and minority populations. It may be helpful to seek supportive resources specifically geared toward women and/or minority populations. These include, but are not limited to, mentors, peers, support groups, and community activism organizations.
5. Set boundaries. Many who experience “Imposter Syndrome” attempt to compensate for their perceived inadequacies by demonstrating “overachieving” behaviors. To minimize these tendencies, it is often helpful to establish a set work schedule and to make a pact with yourself to not lengthen your work hours unless required of your position or only as an occasional exception. Other strategies include delegating tasks (if appropriate), saying “no” to responsibilities outside of one’s job description, and asking for assistance and/or clarification if a particular task is unclear.
6. Establish or maintain appropriate work-life balance. It is critical that each of us engages in activities, interests, hobbies, relationships, etc., separate from our work environment. This is especially important among individuals experiencing tendencies of “Imposter Syndrome,” as the work environment is often a trigger for feelings of anxiety that extend well beyond the work day. Establish (or maintain) a consistent self-care routine that provides consistent fulfillment and feelings of relaxation and contentment for you.
If any of these techniques are especially challenging for you, or if you are experiencing difficulty coping with work-related stress, it may be helpful to seek the services of a mental health professional.
-Sierra Shapiro, MS, LPC
Sierra Shapiro is a staff psychotherapist at Marsh Psychology Group. You can reach her at 248-860-2024 or Sshapiro@marshpsychologygroup.com
We are born knowing that we are infinitely lovable. Babies and toddlers demand love and attention. They ask to be held, they ask for toys and presents and they feel they deserve them. When we’re very young, we simply somehow just “know” that we are amazing and deserve nothing but goodness. But then something happens… […]
We are born knowing that we are infinitely lovable. Babies and toddlers demand love and attention. They ask to be held, they ask for toys and presents and they feel they deserve them. When we’re very young, we simply somehow just “know” that we are amazing and deserve nothing but goodness.
But then something happens…
We get programmed by kids at school and various media outlets. We hit puberty and our hormones kick in and suddenly instead of being awesome and lovable, we believe we aren’t good enough, smart enough, or good looking enough.
The good news is, you can fall in love with yourself all over again, and here are some ideas to get you started:
Make Time for Yourself
Little kids spend a lot of alone time playing. And during this alone time, they are really connected to their inner world. The “us” in this inner world is the real us, not the us in the business suit or rush-hour traffic or grocery store line. Spend quality time just with you so you can reconnect to the “you” you’ve forgotten.
Say “No” More Often
When we constantly put others’ needs before our own, we tell our subconscious mind over and over that we do not matter. If you are a people pleaser, get into the habit of saying no to others and yes to yourself more often.
Do What You Love
Maybe when you were young you wanted to be a painter or singer or photographer, but an adult “talked some sense into you.” Well there is no reason you can’t explore these passions as a hobby now. Doing what you love is one of the best ways to love yourself more.
Speak Your Truth
When you constantly tell other people what they want to hear instead of telling the truth, you silence yourself. This, in turn, kicks your self-worth to the curb.
Don’t be afraid to always be authentic and truthful. Sure, you’ll sometimes have to find graceful and tactful ways to share your truth with others, but it’s the best way to love yourself.
Get Help
When our self-worth is low or non-existent, attempting to love ourselves can feel impossible. If you suffer from self-esteem issues, speaking with a therapist can help you recognize where these issues came from and how to work through them to truly love yourself.
If you’d like to explore treatment options, please be in touch. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help you get your spark back.