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Men have taken on a specific role in human development over the span of hundreds of thousands of years. While roles have very recently shifted somewhat, historically speaking, men have been the ones to fight the wars and build society. And if you think about it, it’s pretty hard to feel emotions, let alone process […]
Men have taken on a specific role in human development over the span of hundreds of thousands of years. While roles have very recently shifted somewhat, historically speaking, men have been the ones to fight the wars and build society. And if you think about it, it’s pretty hard to feel emotions, let alone process them, while on bloody battlefields and balancing atop giant skyscrapers.
You could say at this point in time, men have become hardwired to compartmentalize their feelings. They have them, just as much as women have feelings, they simply select to store them away and get to them later. For this reason, most men buck at the idea of going to therapy to communicate their feelings.
The reality is, it is for the very reasons I just stated that men can greatly benefit from therapy. Here are 3 reasons why men should at least give therapy a try:
Recover Your Sense of Identity
For many generations, there was a strong definition of, and acceptance of, masculinity. Today, we are given a mix of messages from the media about what it means to be a man and how destructive “toxic” masculinity is. Add to this the fact many men grew up in homes where the father was either fully absent or emotionally absent, and many men struggle with their own sense of identity. Therapy offers men a space to create a healthy definition of what it means to be a man.
Improve Your Relationships
Because men have a hard time communicating their feelings, their female partners can often feel abandoned and confused. This can cause real problems in the relationship.
Therapy allows men to become a healthier version of themselves, one that can connect better with their partner.
Deal with Grief and Pain
Grief, loss, trauma… these are sadly a part of life. Most people, especially men, have a very hard time navigating these mental health challenges. Therapy helps men explore their own emotional pain so they can heal and move on.
These are just a few reasons why men should seriously consider trying therapy. If you’d like to explore treatment options, please get in touch with me.
SOURCES:
News of pregnancy always comes with mixed emotions. For most couples, there is immediate joy, but that joy is also usually mixed with a bit of worry. And this worry isn’t for nothing as, sadly, one in four pregnancies will end in miscarriage. While miscarriages are all-too-common, it doesn’t make dealing with grief and sadness […]
News of pregnancy always comes with mixed emotions. For most couples, there is immediate joy, but that joy is also usually mixed with a bit of worry. And this worry isn’t for nothing as, sadly, one in four pregnancies will end in miscarriage.
While miscarriages are all-too-common, it doesn’t make dealing with grief and sadness any easier for anyone involved. It can be very difficult for us to know how to respond to a friend or loved one who has recently experienced a miscarriage.
As a therapist, I have worked with many couples who have experienced a pregnancy loss and I have learned appropriate ways to interact with them during their time of grief.
The majority of miscarriages happen in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy. This is when the baby is referred to as, medically speaking, an “embryo.” To the grieving parents, this is much more than an end to an embryo, it is the death of a son or daughter who they have perhaps been trying so hard to have for many years. There are far too many emotions involved in miscarriage and it’s important to always keep a fuller picture in mind.
Many women feel guilty after a miscarriage. They assume they have done something wrong. Science doesn’t really understand why miscarriages happen. A woman may take excellent care of her health and still experience a miscarriage. It’s important to reassure her that she has done nothing wrong. It’s equally important to let her know that it is okay to grieve.
Mothers-to-be, for obvious reasons, get all of the attention after a miscarriage. But both male and female partners of these women are hurting as well. Not only have they been hit with the initial loss, but they must also summon extra strength and keep things together while their partner grieves.
If you or a loved one has suffered a miscarriage and would like to speak to someone about your loss and to work through the grieving process, please reach out to me. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may help.
SOURCES:
When we say the words, “I do,” we never imagine that one day those words will turn into, “It’s over.” But the statistics point to the fact that many marriages do not make it. In fact, the CDC reports that 42% of marriages have a high probability of ending in divorce. Why Should You Consider […]
When we say the words, “I do,” we never imagine that one day those words will turn into, “It’s over.” But the statistics point to the fact that many marriages do not make it. In fact, the CDC reports that 42% of marriages have a high probability of ending in divorce.
When a marriage ends, it typically leaves one or both partners wondering, “what happened?” As a major life transition, divorce can be traumatic and mentally, physically, and emotionally draining.
Therapy offers individuals powerful coping skills that can help them navigate their overwhelming thoughts and feelings. Therapy offers a safe space to explore and share your feelings so you can make sense of them yourself. It’s a way for people to have a healthier outlook on their divorce and become empowered during a very difficult time.
Every situation is unique and will require the right type of therapy:
Individual Therapy
Individual therapy is incredibly helpful for those people experiencing depression or anxiety, or who view the divorce as a personal failure. This type of therapy can help you discover your own needs and a better understanding of who you are.
Couples Therapy
Divorce will never be easy. But with the proper guidance, the lines of communication can stay open and the separation can remain constructive and amicable. A therapist can help you both navigate those hard decisions such as financial obligations and co-parenting.
Family Therapy
Children are, of course, deeply affected by a divorce, and often the parents are too consumed in their own emotions to offer proper guidance. Family therapy can help the entire family deal with the feelings of loss and grief.
Mediation
Settling a divorce in court can be costly and exhausting. Many couples choose to mediate their own divorce through the help of a trained therapist. Mediation not only costs less and typically takes far less time than divorce litigation, but it may also help improve your lines of communication as you both move forward.
If you are going through a divorce and would like to discuss treatment options, please get in touch with me.
SOURCES:
Boundaries in relationship are the key to fufilling connecitons.
Many of us have difficulty with boundaries in relationships and might not even be aware of the problem. If you often feel resentful, drained, unfulfilled, or taken advantage of in your relationships, poor boundaries could be the reason. Having boundaries with others means you can verbalize or act to enforce your limits and maintain your sense of self. Areas of interpersonal boundaries can be physical, mental/emotional, or resource-based.
Physical Boundaries: How others comment on your appearance, limits related to physical intimacy and touch
Mental/Emotional Boundaries: Autonomy in one’s opinions and beliefs, not feeling responsible for someone else’s feelings
Resource Boundaries: Limits on how much time you are available, how much money you contribute, what you are willing to do for the other person
How to Start Setting Boundaries
Establishing healthy boundaries in your relationships starts with being in touch with your own needs. We can become so used to putting others before ourselves we don’t even recognize what we need, let alone have the capacity to assert those needs! Start by noticing where you feel resentful, drained, unfulfilled, or taken advantage of in your relationships. These feelings are a sign of your unmet needs and can be used to identify where you would benefit from establishing healthier boundaries.
If healthy boundaries were never modeled for you, it can be a scary thing to try. Sometimes we are so used to automatically saying ‘yes’ we feel afraid to say ‘no’ and this becomes a resources issue. If this is the case for you, start by identifying a different response such as”‘let me think about that and get back to you”-this will allow you time to think things through and check in with yourself to determine if you genuinely want to say ‘yes’ or would be doing so out of obligation or fear.
Similarly, sometimes we are so used to focusing on others’ needs and emotions we become uncomfortable looking at our own. We have developed the false belief that meeting the needs of others will keep us safe while meeting our own needs is unsafe. In reality, fulfillment and regulation (safety) comes from being attuned to our own needs – our true self – and asserting those needs in our relationships.
It is important to note, not all boundaries need to be verbalized. Sometimes the most effective way to establish a boundary is through your behavior, and the other person might not even be aware of it. In situations where we do communicate our limits to someone, boundaries are not ultimatums or ways to try to control the other person. The goal is to be clear on our limits and become responsible for our needs in relationships, while also respecting the limits of others. When first starting this process, try writing out what you want to communicate to the other person first. Consider the relationship and what you think is beneficial for the other person to know regarding your boundary. Remember, we do not owe an explanation for our needs, but it can be helpful to communicate the ‘why’ depending on the situation.
Growing Pains
Expect to feel uncomfortable when you start this process, as with most changes we make, but sometimes it can feel too uncomfortable to do on our own. Because many of us were taught to have unhealthy boundaries in childhood, the reasons behind these difficulties are often deeply rooted and difficult to address without support. Working with a mental health professional can provide guidance in understanding our difficulties with boundaries and help us navigate healthy changes.
References:
LePera, N. (2021). How to Do the Work. Macmillan Publishers, p. 179-205.
-Laura Gross, LMSW
Laura Gross is a Clinical Therapist with Marsh Psychology Group.
You can contact her at:
(248)860-2024
lgross@marshpsychologygroup.com
Relationships can enrich our lives, but they can also cause damage. Whether it’s a friend, family member, or significant other, any relationship comes with its share of challenges. And more often than not, putting in the effort to resolve relational issues can and does result in a healthier bond. But there are those relationships that, […]
Relationships can enrich our lives, but they can also cause damage. Whether it’s a friend, family member, or significant other, any relationship comes with its share of challenges. And more often than not, putting in the effort to resolve relational issues can and does result in a healthier bond.
But there are those relationships that, no matter the amount of work and goodwill put into them, will never bring a return on your time or heart investment. These relationships are toxic, and they need to be ended in order for you to heal and move on.
There are More Negative Interactions Than Positive Ones
Every relationship has its good interactions and its not-so-good ones. But there are those relationships that seem like every interaction is tense and filled with negative emotions. When communication becomes difficult or impossible, the relationship is beyond fixing.
Vastly Different Needs
In the beginning of a new friendship or romance, it’s easy to try and compromise with one another, making certain both person’s needs are being met. Over time, some friends or couples realize their needs are too different.
For instance, in a romantic couple, someone may need more sex than the other. Someone may need to always be in control or have a need to lie. These kinds of clashing needs are a red flag for any relationship.
A Blatant Lack of Respect
Respect is essential in relationships. But sometimes there are those individuals that seem incapable of respecting the other person, their needs, their boundaries, their wishes, etc. These people tend to be on the narcissistic spectrum and are incapable of having empathy or respect for others’ needs.
This is by no means an exhaustive list of signs, but these three are some of the most common and problematic signs.
Once you know it is time to end the relationship, you may find that your head and heart waffle back and forth, wondering if you are making the right decision. This is why it’s always a good idea to have someone in your corner you can rely on to give you honest feedback, sound advice, and clarity.
Sometimes you can find this champion in your network of friends and family, but other times it might be best to find a totally neutral third party. Someone you never have to wonder whether they are “just saying that” because they love and care about me.
A therapist can help you navigate your intense emotions and make the best decision for your happiness and peace of mind.
If you are currently struggling in a relationship and would like some help navigating it, please reach out to me. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.
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Conflict-Resolution Tips for Couples During Quarantine Due to our current conditions, many of us are spending significantly more time inside of our homes, which for many of us means spending significantly more time with our partners. Statistically speaking, the more time we spend with any individual (even our beloved significant others), the greater the chances […]
Conflict-Resolution Tips for Couples During Quarantine
Due to our current conditions, many of us are spending significantly more time inside of our homes, which for many of us means spending significantly more time with our partners. Statistically speaking, the more time we spend with any individual (even our beloved significant others), the greater the chances become of some form of conflict arising.
In a fundamentally healthy relationship, increased minor conflict during this incredibly difficult time is completely normal and offers a unique opportunity for growth and even a deeper connection with one’s partner. However, as with any form of growth, there are “growing pains” and difficulties that arise during the process; these may occur in the form of more frequent arguments, resentment, more frequent annoyance, desire for distance from one’s partner, etc.
Below are some conflict-resolution tips that may assist you and/or your partner:
1. Clearly communicate your needs to your partner. Humans are not mind readers. Make sure you are communicating clearly to your partner what you are needing in the given moment. Failing to communicate one’s needs often leads to unhealthy emotional states and/or negative behavioral patterns toward one’s partner. An example of this is “snapping” at your partner when they sit next to you on the couch because you did not voice your need for a few minutes of space and “down time” after a work day.
2. Ask your partner for clarification. This feeds off of the previous tip. If you are unclear about what your partner is expressing to you, it is completely appropriate to ask for clarification in a respectful manner. For example: “I’m not sure what you mean by ‘I need some down time; please tell me what that looks like for you.’”
3. Do not expect yourself out of your partner. Your partner has their own unique biological makeup, thoughts, feelings, values, and life experiences shaping the individual they are today, as do you. Therefore, when we expect our partner to react identically to us or to share the exact same opinions as we do, we are immediately setting ourselves up for feelings of resentment. Many individuals are unaware they hold this expectation of their partner, so reflecting upon and clarifying your expectations to yourself may be helpful in minimizing this mindset if it is present. If you feel your partner is holding this expectation of you, it is again completely appropriate to communicate this concern and/or ask for clarification.
4. Take a break if negative emotions are high. While most disagreements begin as the result of negative emotions (e.g., stress, frustration, fear, etc.), it is counterproductive to attempt to resolve a disagreement if one or both partners is in an excessively negative emotional state. “Confrontation” is an extremely common fear and often produces defensiveness, feelings of physical tension, excessive crying, “freezing” or “shutting down” (due to the fight-or-flight response being activated), etc. It is therefore in the best interest to “take a break” until both partners are in as calm of an emotional state as possible to work toward a resolution. The communication techniques described in prior tips may be helpful in communicating the need for a “break” to your partner, or in appropriately receiving this need from your partner.
5. Establish work-related boundaries. Many of us are currently working from home and our professional and personal lives are therefore increasingly entangled. While there is a huge element of convenience in working from home, there is also significantly increased difficulty in creating a healthy and necessary separation of “work life” and “personal life.” Communicate your “work life” needs to your partner and work together to establish boundaries in order to minimize carrying work-related stress into your “personal life” or lengthening your work day. An example is a discussion in which a “blocked off” period of uninterrupted work time within one’s home office is established and agreed upon.
6. Establish or maintain relationships and interests separate from your partner. During the beginning stages of a relationship, couples often wish to “do everything together.” While this behavior is healthy in attachment-formation early in relationships, it becomes unhealthy if it is prolonged, especially among cohabitating partners. It is critical that each partner has friendships, family relationships, hobbies/interests, and/or regular activities separate from their partner. Examples include (safely!) having dinner with a friend while your partner covers the household responsibilities for the evening, independently participating in a special-interest class or activity, or simply independently taking a neighborhood stroll at lunch (again, safely!).
If you are finding these times particularly difficult, or if you find yourself struggling with any of the topics or techniques discussed in this article, it may be helpful to seek the services of a mental health professional.
-Sierra Shapiro, MS, LPC
Sierra Shapiro is a staff therapist at Marsh Psychology Group. You can reach her at sshapiro@marshpsychologygroup.com or 248-860-2024.
Experiencing the death of a loved one is one of the most painful things each person must face. The shock of your beloved friend or family member having passed away, along with the finality of their death is difficult to deal with. Everyone Mourns Differently The process of mourning is a very personal experience. Because […]
Experiencing the death of a loved one is one of the most painful things each person must face. The shock of your beloved friend or family member having passed away, along with the finality of their death is difficult to deal with.
Everyone Mourns Differently
The process of mourning is a very personal experience. Because grief is so personal, each person reacts differently to the death of a loved one; your instinct may be to reach out and connect, and the instinct of your friend or relative may be to retreat, distract themselves with work or hobbies or shut down.
Your relationship with the deceased was a unique one, so the process in which you grieve the loss will also be unique and personal to you. The close friends and family that you would expect to be there for you in one of the most challenging times of your life may not be present in the way you’d hoped or anticipated. Even your spouse or partner may not provide the comfort you’d expect.
Relationships Impacted by Grief Will Change
Although it’s disappointing and hurtful to experience what feels like a breakdown in your relationships when you need them the most, you must realize that your friends, family and spouse are likely also affected by grief, and going through their own process of mourning.
It’s also important not to rely solely on your spouse for comfort. It’s healthier for both of you, and will ease the stress on your marriage, if you have other people to turn to for help.
The impact of grief is an incredible strain on your existing relationships, as who you are as a person is temporarily altered as you struggle to cope with the loss and find a way to move forward. Your close friends and loved ones may have difficulty coping with how you’re mourning, causing them to pull away temporarily. They could also be very used to seeing you as a source of strength, and a pillar, and seeing you in this vulnerable state (in addition to possibly dealing with their own grief) is more than they can bear.
Seek Out New Sources of Support
Maintaining relationships takes effort, and they’re vulnerable to the difficulties we face as we move through life. You may need to turn to distant family members, other friends or acquaintances, make new connections through bereavement groups or seek professional help from a mental health counselor to find solace and understanding.
Although we can expect bereavement to change our relationships, we can also expect some semblance of normalcy as everyone affected copes with the loss over the passage of time. By forgiving friends or loved ones who weren’t there for you as you dealt with your grief, you can re-establish lost connections.
If you’re having difficulty with your relationships as you grieve and need some understanding and guidance, please give me a call and we can set up an appointment to talk.
Relationships can only be healthy when both people have the space to be themselves and maintain their personal integrity. Sadly, many people find themselves in relationships, romantic and otherwise, with people who do not respect boundaries and feel entitled to have their needs met regardless of the other person’s. These people most likely grew up […]
Relationships can only be healthy when both people have the space to be themselves and maintain their personal integrity. Sadly, many people find themselves in relationships, romantic and otherwise, with people who do not respect boundaries and feel entitled to have their needs met regardless of the other person’s. These people most likely grew up in households that were unsafe and unstable, and where there was a constant invasion of personal boundaries.
If you can relate, chances are you have a hard time creating healthy boundaries to create the life experience you wish to have. Here are some ways you can begin to do so:
You can’t set boundaries unless you discover where it is you personally stand. You’ll need to take a bit of time to recognize what you can and cannot tolerate. What makes you happy and what makes you feel uncomfortable and stressed? Only until you have made these discoveries can you move on to the next steps.
People who have similar communication styles are easy to engage with. These people will quickly understand what your new barriers are. But people who have a different cultural background or personality may not easily understand your boundaries. With these people, it’s important to be very clear and direct.
People who have a hard time setting boundaries don’t often allow themselves to acknowledge their own feelings because they’re usually too busy worrying about everyone else’s.
You’ll need to start recognizing how people make you feel in order to know whether your new boundaries are being crossed or not. When you’re with someone, make mental notes, or even jot down in a journal how that interaction made you feel.
If, after spending time with someone, you feel anger or resentment, this is a sign that the person may be overstepping your boundaries. Reiterate to this person what your boundaries are. If they continue to disrespect you and them, you will want to cut yourself away from further interactions.
Put yourself and your needs first. This may feel strange and even somehow wrong if you’ve spent your entire life taking care of others. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings and get what you need to feel happy and well.
If you’ve spent an entire life with a sense of low self-worth, you may find setting boundaries quite difficult. In this case, it’s important to speak with a therapist that can help you discover where these feelings are coming from and how to change your thought patterns and behavior.
If you’d like to explore therapy, please get in touch with me. I would be happy to help you on your journey toward self-care.