Adult Attachment Styles

Attachment Theory was first studied in the context of understanding the relationship between an infant and caregiver, and how attachment influences the infant’s chances of survival (Bowlby, 1958). Ideally, the caregiver’s behavior toward the child creates a sense of security. If not, the child can become overly anxious about separation or avoid emotional closeness with the caregiver. But a person’s attachment style affects relationships throughout their life. Here are the different styles of attachment and how they present in adulthood, especially in intimate partner relationships.

Secure Attachment

If your attachment is secure, being close and loving to others come easily. You can openly share your feelings in relationships and know how to respond well to the emotions of others. You welcome intimacy and do not become preoccupied or worry too much about relationships.

Anxious Attachment

If your attachment style is anxious, you also find it easy to be close and experience intimacy. However, you tend to be preoccupied with relationships. You worry about your partner’s feelings toward you and expect to be rejected. You are overly sensitive to your partner’s emotions and moods and take these things personally.

Avoidant Attachment

If you have an avoidant attachment style you have difficulty engaging in intimacy and being close with others. Your partner feels you are emotionally distant, and you worry about the relationship being a threat to your autonomy or independence. You are not sensitive to rejection and often find it easy to deal with ending relationships.

Because our attachment style begins to develop in early infancy, it might seem there is little we can do about it as adults. But attachment can evolve and be affected by experiences we have in relationships throughout our lives. Becoming more aware of how it affects our behavior can help to improve and inform our relationships.

If you notice some of the characteristics of avoidant or anxious attachment in yourself, it can be helpful to work with a therapist on understanding how it affects your relationships and what you can do about it.

-Laura Gross, LMSW

Bowlby, J. (1958). The nature of the child’s tie to his mother. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 39, 350-371

Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2011). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find–and keep–love. New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher/Penguin.

Laura Gross is a fully licensed social worker. Contact her at:

lgross@marshpsychologygroup.com

Marsh Psychology Group: 248-860-2024

REPRESSED ANGER

Anger is a natural emotion that comes up in response to believing that you’ve been treated unfairly or sometimes that comes up to mask fear or hurt.  However, anger itself tends to be viewed with fear and we are often taught not to express anger or how to do it appropriately.  Because of this, when we feel anger, many times we push it down or explain it away.  When we repress, or don’t express our feelings, eventually they can eat away at us.

EFFECTS OF REPRESSED ANGER

When we repress our anger, it can cause us to feel depression, to overeat, to react to small things with intense anger, or to feel anxiety.  Repressed anger can also lead to fatigue, pain, digestive issues, or difficulty sleeping.  While it might feel scary to truly feel our anger, the consequences of continuing to push it down can be detrimental to our lives.  So how can we express our anger in a healthy way?

WORKING THROUGH REPRESSED ANGER

Step 1:

When you have a chance to be alone, start to really feel the emotions in your body.  Do you feel a tightness in your chest or throat?  Do you feel it in your gut?  Once you start to feel the anger in your body, you can name it or you can say the person’s name who you are feeling anger toward, even swearing while you talk about them.

Step 2:

Once you’ve tapped into your anger, let it out.  Scream.  Scream into a pillow or alone in your car if you need to quiet the sounds.  You can scream about the person you are angry at and say all of the things you wish you could say to their face.  Screaming allows us to use our voice about the event that caused the pain and anger.

Step 3:

In order to help continue to move the anger through your system, punch a pillow, use a pillow to hit the bed, hit the bed with a tennis racket, or any number of ways to get it out of your body safely.  This will help continue your release of anger.

Step 4:

At the end of the release of anger, when you feel ready to be calmer, lie down and allow yourself to feel what is underneath the anger.  Anger is generally a secondary emotion that comes into play when the fear, hurt, grief, or sadness feels too much and we want to cover it up.  Feel whatever comes up, and when you’re ready and you feel you’ve expressed enough anger and other emotion to move past the event, allow yourself to forgive the other person involved.

MOVING FORWARD

Forgiveness allows you to move on from the situation without it having a hold on your life anymore.  You may also feel the need to forgive yourself, for either your part in the situation or for holding onto this event for so long.  Allow the forgiveness to be a marking point in your life of forward movement, when you are ready to live life on your terms and not on the terms of old emotion holding you back.

Remember, if this work feels overwhelming to you or need support moving through this, seek the guidance of a licensed mental health professional.

Julie Lublin, MA , LPC, is a therapist at Marsh Psychology Group. You can reach her at jlublin@marshpsychologygroup.com

What is Codependency?

“Do we really have the right to take care of ourselves? Do we really have the right to set boundaries? Do we really have the right to be direct and say what we need to say? You bet we do.”
― Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go: Hazelden Meditation Series

I want to talk with you today about Codependency. In researching a definition of codependency, I discovered, there are many ways it has been defined. Here are two of those definitions that stood out to me as most descriptive and accurate.

“Codependency is a psychological condition that is manifested in relationships. Codependents give a great deal more love, care, and respect (LRC) to others than they expect, request, and ultimately receive. Even though codependents are resentful and angry about the LRC inequality, they do not terminate the relationship. If they or their partner does end the relationship, codependents perpetually find themselves on the giving end of a new relationship.” As quoted by Ross Rosenberg from his book “The Human Magnet Syndrome

Mental Health America defines Codependency in the following way,

“Co-dependency is a learned behavior and sometimes it can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.”

Melody Beattie, the author of Codependent No More, defines codependency as, “a codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior”.

Codependency traits often present as difficulties in loving, accepting, trusting, and being true to Self. 

Some Characteristics of Co-Dependent People Are:

• Feeling trapped in abusive/controlling relationships
• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
• Needing approval/support from others to feel good about yourself
• Feeling powerless to change destructive relationships
• A tendency to do more than their share, all the time-they prioritize the needs and wellbeing of others over their own needs
• A tendency to become hurt when people do not recognize their efforts
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship
• Low self esteem
• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
• A compelling need to control others
• Lack of trust in self and/or others
• Fear of being abandoned or alone
• Difficulty identifying feelings
• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
• Perfectionism
• Problems with intimacy/boundaries-difficulty saying No
• Chronic anger
• People pleasing
• Difficulty making decisions

According to the Author of Codependent No More, Melody Beattie; some of the ways to begin to heal are:

• Self-Awareness: understand you are a codependent and you have an issue
• Accept you have an issue
• Accept yourself and accept your feelings
• Understand you cannot cure or change the dependent
• Detach yourself
• Learn you can listen with empathy without taking on the problems
• Deal with your feelings
• Rebuild your self esteem
• Attend Al-Anon
• Make yourself a priority and take care of yourself

Treatment can include education and individual and group therapy through which co-dependents rediscover themselves and identify self-defeating behavior patterns. Treatment focuses on helping clients to get in touch with feelings that have been buried during childhood, and on exploring family dynamics. The goal is to experience a full range of feelings again, learn to set boundaries and improve assertive self-expression.

If you think you may be codependent, working with a therapist could be helpful. A mental health professional can help you to determine if your behaviors resemble codependency and can help you begin to take steps to heal. A therapist can work with you on any co-occurring mental health issues and help you explore the roots of your behavior. You can begin to learn how to balance your needs with the needs of others.

Carol Van Kampen, LMSW is an individual private practice psychotherapist who specializes in anxiety, depression, grief, and trauma treatment at Marsh Psychology Group. Carol is EMDR trained. Contact her at marshpsychologygroup.com

cvankampen@marshpsychologygroup.com

https://marshpsychologygroup.com/carol-van-kampen-lmsw/

Dealing with Secondary Trauma

Working with people who are experiencing their own trauma can be difficult day in and day out. Right now, with the pain of a pandemic, as well as an intense political climate, people are experiencing even more personal trauma than normal. If you work in industries where you are trying to support people through difficult circumstances (medical professions, educators, mental health providers, etc.), you may be experiencing secondary traumatic stress.

What is Secondary Traumatic Stress?

Secondary Traumatic Stress (STS) is “the emotional duress that results when an individual hears about the firsthand trauma experiences of another” (The National Child Traumatic Stress Network). STS can lead to burnout, physical illness, low job performance and morale, difficult concentrating and making decisions. It can also lead to a desire to leave your service-related field.

What Can You Do?

Self-care always tops the list as a way to mitigate STS. If you find it difficult to leave your work at work, try to stop at a park or trail on your way home to spend time in nature. Learning mindfulness or meditation can help you remain calm and in-the-moment throughout your day. Setting reminders on your phone to check in with yourself to focus on how you’re feeling, even if only for two minutes, and remember to take deep breaths, can help discharge stress throughout the day.

Check to see if your employer offers support groups, professional development, or mindfulness breaks throughout the day that you could participate in. If they don’t offer any of those, ask your Human Resources department to set something up. You are not alone in how you feel. There are probably many employees where you work that could benefit from those resources.

Remember to enjoy life where you can! Laughter and joy are natural healers and stress relievers. Encourage your co-workers to meet for a social distanced lunch together and talk about fun events that happened outside of work. Organize events that could bring laughter and stress relief to your work day. You are all in this together – remember to share both difficulties and joy.

Finally, reach out for help if your normal stress relieving activities and self care waver. Red flags include, difficulty sleeping, agitation and anxiety, loss of interest in engaging in usually enjoyable activities, social isolation, and increased use of substances to deal with stress. These are signs that the trauma of your work is overloading your brain. Mental health services are available to provide support and process your experiences. Our valued helpers, who give so much, are not immune to needing support and care.

Julie Lublin, MA LPC

Julie Lublin is licensed professional counselor and can be reached at jlublin@marshpsychologygroup.com.

Toolbox: Going off to College in the age of Covid-19

This year, thousands of freshman will begin their college careers on campuses across the country.  While some universities (Harvard, MIT, etc.) closed their campuses fall semester, many are opening their dormitory doors in the hopes that some semblance of campus life can be created, even in these challenging times. 

But this year will be different.  Freshmen/women will have another layer of stress to combat.  In addition to the normal challenges of transitioning to university life, they have to contend with COVID-19 .  Here are some tips to help prepare and succeed this year:

• Make a schedule and keep to it. For many, college is the first time where there is no one to make sure you get out of bed and go to school(even if it is online).  Also, it is the first time where you are not attending classes every day, and have bells to tell you when it’s time to stop and go.  It may seem simple, but it is likely something you take for granted.  This is especially true in the time of COVID-19, where many of your classes will be online, and there is even less structure to classes than in-person instruction.  So do yourself a favor, and make a schedule.  Include class time, TA meetings, and times to study, eat, sleep and workout.

1. Attend all your classes online and in person.  There may be a real temptation to skip classes, as attendance may not be taken. College moves at a much quicker pace than high school, and missing one class can put you far behind. Success in college , as in most things in life, requires you show up.
2. Plan on doing all your reading/studying most days, at least the first term. Getting behind can put you in a very difficult position and create unnecessary anxiety. Also, find your best study environment. Is it your dorm room? Common areas? The library? Do some exploring as to what space is available given COVID-19 restrictions. 
3. Get a good night’s sleep– there is a temptation to stay up until 2 am every day, chatting and playing video games.  But sleep is what restores your body and helps your mind to function properly.  Sleep helps regulate your mood and stress level, and keeps your “freaks outs” manageable. In addition, sleep also keeps your immune system strong, as your body can repair itself during slumber. In COVID-19 times, this is incredibly important!!  Aim for 7-8 hours a night.
4. Eat regularly  and watch your caffeine intake.  Keep your body and mind fueled( tip: proteins help you think).  Watch caffeine intake, as it can exacerbate feelings of anxiety.
5. Exercise and get fresh air regularly.  Exercise is a great stress reliever and mood manager.  While the fitness centers on campus are likely closed, outside activities are available.  Running/ walking/ biking are excellent options during the pandemic.  Even when the weather gets colder, it is good to look for online fitness options to keep your stress levels down and mood up.
6. Figure out the best fit for you to meet people.  Are you more comfortable one on one? Then focus on introducing yourself to folks one at a time.  In small groups?  Ask if you can join in.  If you are invited to join in, even if you are a little anxious, go.  This may be the first time in a long time you’ve  had to make friends.  It’s normal to be anxious. But just like going to class, you have to show up to make friends.  So Go. 
7. You may be wondering how you are supposed to manage the above while sticking to your pandemic protection plan( mask-up/6ft apart).  It is more than possible. In fact, everyone at college will A) be making friends a priority and B) be more than willing to find a safe way to connect regardless of COVID-19.  
8. Know where and how to access Campus support: Do you know where campus health center and counseling center are located and how to contact them?  During the pandemic, services are likely to be online, so make sure your laptop/tablet/phone works properly.
9. If you start to struggle with feelings of anxiety and depression, do not ignore them. If the normal things you do to help yourself feel better are not working, reach out to your university counseling center.  If you are struggling to get out of bed, are so anxious you can’t focus on your studies, or struggle to make social connections, call the counseling center.  This is exactly what they are there for.  
10. If you are currently working on your mental health with a therapist at home, you may have the option to continue while you transition to college life.  Insurance companies are covering telehealth sessions during COVID-19, and many plan to continue coverage indefinitely.  Even if you are moving out of state, you may be able to continue your counseling, as many states are allowing out of state therapists to provide online services.  Your insurance company will be able to let you know if this is possible.
11. If you feel suicidal at any time, tell someone (ie resident advisor, a friend, the counseling center, suicide help hotline 1-800-273-8255 ). Suicidal thoughts are not as uncommon as you may think.  When folks are emotionally distraught, it’s not uncommon to think, “I don’t want to feel this way anymore” or “This is too hard, I want this to be over”.  They are a warning sign that you are really struggling and need help. Most importantly, suicidal feelings are not permanent and can be treated and eradicated. Reach out.

I wish you great success on your university adventure! Here’s to discovering amazing things in your studies and about yourself!

Be well,

Dr. Marsh

EMDR–EYE MOVEMENT DESENSITIZATION & REPROCESSING

“Traumatic experiences may have happened long ago, and we may not recognize how much they affected us. The negative emotions, behaviors, beliefs, and sensations that cause chronic problems generally can be tracked back to these unprocessed memories. In that way, the past stays present. EMDR can help you make sense of the trauma-based symptoms (like anxiety, panic attacks, sadness, anger/rage, phobias) and identify their cause”-Dr. Francine Shapiro, from her book “Getting Past Your Past.”

What is EMDR?

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is a well-researched psychotherapy approach that enables people to heal from emotional distress and symptoms related to trauma. Trauma based experiences affect the way a person views themselves and others. The resulting negative emotions, beliefs, or behaviors become the symptoms of a person’s suffering, not its cause. While many therapies work on minimizing symptoms, EMDR targets the cause: trauma-based memories that are “frozen” or unprocessed in the brain’s memory network. Discovered in the late 1980s by Dr. Francine Shapiro, EMDR gave new hope to combat veterans that were experiencing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), a condition regarded as difficult to treat. Her research hypothesized that when trauma-based memories were re-processed in the sufferer’s brain, the distressing symptoms decreased or disappeared altogether. Over the last 25 years, EMDR therapy has evolved into a comprehensive, highly effective therapy used in healing people that have experienced both large and small traumas.

How Does it Work

The goal of EMDR therapy is to completely “process” past traumatic events that are causing symptoms in a person’s current life. “Processing” does not mean just talking about negative memories, or identifying ways to minimize the related symptoms such as anxiety, depression or feelings of unworthiness, for example. It means setting up a learning state that allows these past experiences to be filed and stored appropriately in the brain’s memory network.  This often results in increased insight regarding both previously disturbing events and long held negative thoughts about the self. During an EMDR session, the client may call to mind a visual image related to the memory, a resulting negative belief about self, and the related emotions and body sensations that occur. During this part of the therapy, the client follows right-to-left eye movement to repeatedly activate opposite sides of the brain, like what happens during REM sleep when memories are “processed”. Research has shown that the long-term effects of untreated childhood trauma get carried over into adulthood and are passed down to the next generation. Adults who grew up with physical/sexual/verbal abuse, physically or mentally ill parents, bullying, family dysfunction, domestic violence, family members with addictions, etc. most likely experienced a great deal of trauma as children. In adulthood, the trauma now presents itself through symptoms such as anxiety, depression, job performance issues, substance abuse, chronic low self-esteem, anger/rage, etc. EMDR has been used to effectively treat thousands and thousands of people who experienced forms of early childhood trauma.

What is a Session Like?

EMDR therapy is an eight-phase treatment that starts with comprehensive history-taking to get a clear understanding of the client’s memory, associated negative beliefs, desired positive beliefs, and accompanying body sensations. Once the clinician has determined which memory to target first, the client is asked to recall the worst aspect of the memory together with the accompanying negative beliefs and bodily sensations. The client will be directed to move their eyes from side to side or employ some other form of bilateral stimulation (BLS) via visual, auditory, or tactile experiences. Within the client’s brain, associations arise, and the client will begin to process the memory and the related negative feelings in a more adaptive way. The memory that was once charged with emotion becomes less distressing. In successful EMDR therapy, the meaning of painful events is transformed on an emotional level. For instance, a victim of a rape shifts from feeling horror and powerlessness to “I survived it and I am strong.” EMDR therapy leaves clients feeling empowered by the very experiences that once crippled them.

If you experience any of these trauma-based symptoms, ask your therapist if EMDR is right for you.

ANGER/RAGE         EATING DISORDERS        PTSD or ANXIETY       DEPRESSION

  FEARS/PHOBIAS      INTIMACY ISSUES       SEXUAL ADDICTIONS      PANIC ATTACKS

 SUBSTANCE ABUSE         SOCIAL ISOLATION        DIFFICULTY TRUSTING      FEAR OF FAILURE

EXTREMEGUILT/SHAME         LOW SELF-ESTEEM         PERFORMANCE ANXIETY

Carol Van Kampen, LMSW

Carol Van Kampen, LMSW is an individual private practice psychotherapist who specializes in anxiety, depression, grief, and trauma treatment at Marsh Psychology Group. Carol is EMDR trained. Contact her at marshpsychologygroup.com

cvankampen@marshpsychologygroup.com

https://marshpsychologygroup.com/carol-van-kampen-lmsw/